A Hard Habit to Break ...

Once upon a time ... a little girl looked out across the vast panoply of her unfolding life, and wondered, "what manner of magic shall happen unto me...?"

The little girl was excited, nearly trembling with the sheer, raw possibility of what Life could bring her.  Because she knew that she was meant to experience magic.  Because she knew her life was meant to be a-Muse-ing.  She reveled in the beauty of the planet, the gloriousness of potentiality, the irrepressible desires and hungers she felt yawning within her.

She wanted it all ... but only EVERYthing that she had come to experience.

And experience, she did ... though she came to learn, and early-on, that Life doesn't necessarily go the way one imagines it will, in order to achieve/attain/experience all that one chooses to achieve/attain/experience, when one signs up for a particular Life-time.

Like all the other inhabitants of the planet. she discovered that along with joy, comes agony.  Along with anticipation, comes disappointment.  Along with pleasure, comes pain.  Along with excitement comes excruciation.  And she learned that along with the magic of Love, comes the shadow of Fear.

She saw some other planet-inhabitants shut down, curling up in virtual fetal-positioned-human-commas, insulating themselves against yet-more Life-enlashments.  She saw others standing, spread-eagle'd-and-wide-open to the valid and required ravishments that Life lavished upon them.

And every time that Life slayed her, shattering her open-heart, she understood why some would indeed choose to shut down.  She could not judge them, though she would weep from the knowingness of their pain -- for she *felt* their pain.  Deeply.

And every time she, too, found herself temporarily double-over in agony, begging for mercy from the cleverly-disguised Gifts of Pain with which Life saw fit to caress her, she would feel that resolve of tenaciously stubborn crazy-braveness, and collect the heart-shards, making a haphazard mosaic from the pieces ... a cacophony of symphonic alchemy.  She knew, somehow, even mid-pain, she knew, that it took what it took, and all that it took, for as long as it took, for that soul-alchemy to work its ... magic.

She remembered, albeit oh-so-vaguely, that she had said "yes" to this, to all of this.  And so, whenever that ephemeral remembering (which was a re-membering with what she'd forgotten) swirled its way to her Rememberer, she'd reaffirm that "yes".  Sometimes even on her knees, arms open wide to the sky, face turned to the rising sun, with eyes-overflowing, body trembling, and voice shaking ... "Yes.  I say Yes to all that I came here for.  I thank You for the Most Benevolent Outcome.  So Be It."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But, she did not live happily ever after.  No ... in fact, oddly enough, when happiness came, in one of a myriad of manifestations (and they did come), she noticed that she had learned to become wary, suspicious, even, of the happiness.  Would it last?  Would it stay?  Could she trust it?  Would it evaporate, disintegrate into dust, and blow away?

Happiness, she knew, and even believed, was but one of a plethora of emotions (e-motion, energy-in-motion) that would show up, share a gift-to-be-felt, and leave.  It was not to be pursued, so much as welcomed.  In fact, she had learned that the right to pursue happiness, was actually a curse, for it implied that happiness was our birthright, and if we weren't happy, then damn-it, something  must be *wrong*...!

She had learned that Joy was bigger than happiness ... in fact, that Joy was comprised of the honest feeling of all emotions.  That sadness could be beautiful, when authentically honored.  That anger could be liberatingly powerful, when authentically felt.  That fear could be exquisite, when felt as a well-intentioned friend.  And that if she repressed any one particular emotion, she likewise flat-lined all other emotions.  To fully experience the ones she "wanted" to feel, she had to open to door, also fully, to the ones she didn't particularly want to feel...

But ... it also dawned upon her that she had developed a curious penchant ... that when happiness did come, in the guise of a blessing, or a gift, or a friend, or a lover, or any benevolent outcome, she would feel, as well, the looming-impending-doom of the happiness-catalyst leaving.  She had learned to anticipate the curse of rejection, of abandonment, of being forsaken ... even while the happiness-catalyst was with her.

She had learned to habitualize the anticipation of loss.

And this, she became aware, was a hard habit to break.

So ... she said to herself, "If I have indeed learned this, then it's possible, and perhaps crucial, to UNlearn this."

So Be It.

(stay tuned)

Practical Vs. Magical

I am a human yo-yo.  A pendulum-swinger.  A Libra chick.  A both/and girl.  I've spent my time in the ditches - on both sides of the road.  And this is me - this is how I do.

I find myself reeling back and forth between the "creative/magical" thinking to the "pragmatic/practical" thinking (& I have both - I even had the creative mama and the judge/lawyer father) ... my heart lies more toward the creative/magical ... but I live in this world system wherein it's all about the pragmatic/practical ... so I have to navigate it ... but ohhhhhh how it squelches my soul! I was catapulted OUT of that previous system, of "doing the right thing, living on the treadmill, grinding it out" ... and I find myself utterly UNable to do that again...!

I can't betray THAT which got me OUT of all THAT...!

And yet ... I have to pay bills, and eat, and function in this system. Provision has come, yes ... but the means of it is finite, and dwindling ... I have about 2 years left (IF I am very careful) to live on, this way, here ... and then I'll have to join the circus, or a commune, or a convent or marry myself off via CraigsList...

I'm an artist, an actor, a writer, an inspire-er ... and that's what I want to do ... what I'm most gifted to do ... and yet I am terrified, because those things have not yet, and typically do not, for most, provide sufficient income.

I have been a kept-woman, most of my life ... by an over-protective father ... and then by my ex-husband (though I must confess to my own acquiescence, agreement, and cooperation with that kept-ness) ... and for the past three years, I've had to slug my way through this swamp of a steep learning curve, learning ALL the basic life-skills that most folks take on when they are in their early 20's.

Perhaps it's a matter of tweaking my perspective - perhaps I am still a kept-woman, only now being kept (as I truly always was) by the Universe ...

Ohhhh, the multitudinous-myriad of multiple-options that have been in front of me, clamoring for my attention, decision and direction ...! I have been rendered nearly *paralyzed* by the indecision (the curse of the Libra) ... so many voices demanding my acquiescence ... 

"get a job" ... "go back to school" ... 

"fly here, I'll give you security" ... "just paint, and they will come" ... 

"something will show up" ... "volunteer" ... 

"invest" ... "try this sure-fire-online-thang" ...

 "create your own nest" ... "leap off the cliff" ... 

"do something safe" ... "do something radical" ... 

"be like this" ... "be yourself" ... 

"stay put" ... "go the distance" ...

 "get practical" ... " get magical - you know you don't have a practical bone in your body" ...

 "try harder" ... "let go" ... 

"use your brain" ... "follow your heart" ... 

"face your fears head-on" ... "think positive" ...

 "you are so smart/creative/gifted/funny/clever - you're wasting your gifts" ... "just do a job, any job - the rest of the world has to - do you really think you're better than anyone else?" ... 

"stop being entitlement-minded, you're not special" ... "don't sell out - you're an artist!" ... 

"do the right thing" .. "follow your bliss" ... 

"life is hard work" .. "life is miraculous" ... 

"follow this path" ... "forge your own trail" ... 

"trust your advisers" ... "trust your intuition" ... 

"you keep making stupid mistakes" ... "look how you've been guided" ... 

"there's so much at stake" ... "you can't make a mistake" ... 

"you could end up alone and destitute and dead" ... "you will never be alone" ... 

"you're on the verge of losing everything" ... "you have nothing to lose" ... 

"come to your senses" ... "go for the life you've dreamed of" ... 

"time to get practical" ... "time to get magical" ...

And I sense that I'm being called to do both/and ... but that the practical will flow out of the magical ...

I sense that I've been in the training ground of learning how to trust the latter ... and have been feeling the pain of releasing the tyranny of the former ...

I sense that if I do the practical out of the energy of fear, I return to the treadmill from which I was catapulted ...

But if I do the practical out of what materializes from the energy of love, that's when the magic happens.

I AM ...!

It's been a horrendously-albeit-gloriously epic week ... At least, this is what I've been telling myself.  Because I can dramatize anything.  Seriously, I can turn sitting on the toilet, and discovering that I'm out of toilet paper, into a tragedy.  And then, because I can, I turn it into a comedy.  To amuse the voices in my head, AKA the audience.  (Yes, I am Legion.)  Better to laugh hysterically, than to scream, thusly.  But best of all, to blog about it.

So, between the betrayals, the deceptions, the confessions, the forgivenesses, the blessings, the celebrational envy-of-the-joy-of-others, the survival of Vendetta Day (some of you may call it "Valentine's Day" - the day we observe the obligational-affectionary spewing of Pepto-Bismol-pink all over creation, or at least the stores), some anniversarial triggerings, some intensely emotional conversations, the loss of my longest-ever friendship, an expensive SNAFU-lesson with Verizon, the painfully-difficult standing-of-my-ground, and an infected eye (yes, one really must remove the contact on occasion), I heard one major message:

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LIVE MY LIFE...!

Because, when all is said and done, I am all I have.

My soul, the little stinker, apparently asked for this ... because my soul knows what my mind doesn't yet:  that I can handle this, that I even required this, that all this is valid, necessary, for my growth, evolution, expansion.

I've known this for a long while now ... it started when I cried out for "truth at all cost" ... that was 8 years ago, almost 9.

I knew this when I questioned everything ... when I started losing friends, left and right ... when I left my marriage ... when I did a series of emotional-bungee-jumping cliff-dives ... when I said "yes" to the divine plan ... when I renewed that "yes" more than once ... when I experienced a shamanic ceremony, and saw/heard/felt/smelled/tasted the words, "Sudden and Complete Life Change - From Now On Nothing Remains The Same!"

Ok ... but somehow, part of me thought, or at least hoped, it would be a bit more ... comfy.  Or at least less excruciating.  Less agonizing.

I wonder ... how long shall reeling be my modus operandii...?

Or ... is it just that I need a perspective-tweaking ... a shift in how I think, how I label what I experience?

I mean, is running out of toilet paper TRULY a death-defying situation ...?

I had a conversation today, with Sarah Ross, a life-coach (I keep attracting life-coaches ... hmmmm...).  I whined and groused and vented and dumped what I wrote above, about "the horrendously epic week" ... and she summed it up like this:

"I am so happy and grateful that you feel the blesings, even when they are messy and look like crap, frankly."

Messy-crap blessings.  (oooooh, see how this ties into the toilet paper trauma?!?)

Beautiful torment.

Exquisite agony.

Flawed perfection.

Vulnerable strength.

Courageous fear.

Tumultuous peace.

Divine-dichotomies, all ...

Which is fitting since I am a divinely-dichotomous, fully-human sort of woman.

So, Sarah asked me who I am... I AM an expression of The Divine, here in human form, cleverly disguised as Dena.  

She asked me to articulate my vision of me ... so, in the midst of some rather painful emotions, some strangling fears, and some severe doubts ... I intentionally expanded that narrowed tunnel-vision I was self-confined in, and dared to say:

Strong, confident ... inspiring others ... speaking, writing, acting, painting, dancing ... living fully ... relationships restored ... a life-partner with me, sharing life, co-healing, co-inspiring, co-creating ... experiencing abundant provision, giving to others ... enJOYing life, fully ... all aspects, welcoming whatever emotion comes along, receiving/allowing the messages ... growing, evolving, expanding ... exploring heights and depths ... authentically intimate, passionate, unleashed ...!

I have always sensed that I was "sent" here for a big mission.  Yeah, I'm fully aware of the grandiosity of that ... and yet, the simplicity of that (ha - another dichotomy!).  And lately, I have felt derailed, inept, incompetent ... THAT, I believe, is what I have most-grieved.  The loss of my purpose, my meaning, my vision, my gifts, my mission.

I AM re-claiming this.  I AM re-membering this.  I AM re-cognizing this.  I AM real-eyes-ing this.

Living small is not serving me, nor anyone else ...

I AM daring to show up ... to live my life ... to be me ... to take risks ... to make mistakes ... to be gloriously-messy ... to NOT hold back ... to not live-small ... to not shut-down, or numb-out ...

I AM going to survive,  and thrive ... even if it kills me ...

So be it.

Body-Shame ... Body-Love

Ahhhh, the human body.

Such a miraculous and formidable ... and yet, vulnerable ... creation.

They come in all variations ... shapes ... sizes ... colors ... each one a glorious work of art.

They are "us" ... and yet "not us" - at least not-us in totality ... for we begin to recognize that we are a soul who inhabits, or even "wears" a body.  And yet, for this span of our existence, while on planet Earth, they are indeed part-of-us ... assigned-to-us (I happen to think we chose them, for our own purposes, to learn our chosen lessons, but I digress ... and can neither prove nor dis-prove this hunch).

Our bodies enable us to enJOY this material realm.  They let us experience growth, comfort, food, movement, touch, dance, exertion, power, connection, pain, pleasure, temperature, sensations, agony and ecstasy ... we can face the horrors of war, or the bliss of making love, in these amazing bodies.  They can achieve inordinate feats of strength & agility, or succumb to the ravages of disease and aging.  They can heal ... they can express love.  They are our companions, for the journey.

 (Note:  while I recognize that I am primarily a spiritual being who is having a human experience, I LOVE everything about being human ... the emotions, the experiences, the body I inhabit ... during this life, the body is NOT less-than the soul, or the spirit, or the mind ... it is a precious vehicle through which to experience this material realm - and matter matters!)

We are judged by our bodies, we judge others by their bodies, and we judge our own bodies.  Often, to our own detriment.

I've had an ongoing love-hate relationship with my own body, including a 21-year history of a severe eating disorder in my own past ... I've been overweight ... I've been underweight ... I've been my "normal" weight ... I'm getting older (I've currently been in this particular earth-suit for 51 years) ... I've given birth to 8 human beings, and I've sustained 3 miscarriages ... I'm a female in a culture where my worth and validity is measured by my attractiveness ... and I can attest that body-face-shame is just *there* no matter where the weight registers on the scale ... learning to accept and love ourselves, beyond the earth-suit, is a formidable task ... I am not giving up.

I experienced intense body-shame, just over a year ago, when, due to some intense and sustained grief, I had neglected my body ... I hadn't looked in any mirrors below my shoulders for weeks ... and I had lost my appetite ... I wasn't eating enough ... was not taking care of me.  One day, because some pants didn't fit right (they wouldn't stay up!), I got on the scale, out of curiosity, to discover that my weight was dangerously low ... and I was shocked - horrified!  Honestly scared.

A friend launched into some practical advice: "start beefing up those calories, start supplementing with Ensure ... get that weight back ON!" And as I heard those words, I felt "body-emotions" ... I tuned in, and I allowed myself feel my body's fear ... it felt "ashamed" ... it felt "bad/punished" ... even though it had been doing the best it could to serve me ... and I said, "No, I'm going to *love* my body back to it's setpoint. I'm going to trust it to find its way, by loving it. I'm going to *accept* it as it IS, here and now, and TRUST it to do what it knows to do. I will listen to it, and honor it, and eat what it calls for when it's hungry, and stop when it's had enough."

I got in the shower, and used the warmth of the water to soothe it ... I washed it gently, like I would do with a baby ... I cried tears of empathy for how my body had tried SO hard to serve me, even while I was unintentionally neglecting it ... I asked its forgiveness for not caring better for it. I dried it tenderly, and I slathered on lotion, dressed it in comforting warm clothing, fed it a nourishing meal, and rocked myself, tears streaming down my face almost meditatively, sending my body love.

Within a short period of time, with the power of love and trust, the weight did increase and stabilize ... if I had crashed it on (and if anyone crashes it off), the message is, "you are bad, I do not accept/love you, and I am going to beat you into submission."  The same would apply to a body that is overweight, or has sustained an injury, or surgery, or any sort of challenge ... our bodies need to be appreciated, accepted, treasured ... LOVED.

What child, animal, or adult human responds positively to punishment or abuse...? Something about loving what IS (a person, our bodies, a situation) allows us to have the space and freedom to see our options, and for balance to occur.

(I think I needed to type this out, to remind myself, today.)

I recorded this video a couple of months ago ... this poem about beauty came pouring out of me one evening ... in about 20 minutes of a "download".  I shared it before ... but it fits here, too.

(LOL ... it only *appears* that it's a video about yodeling lessons ...!  Choosing to let go of the "shame" of my goofy expression in the image!  :P )

She-Who-Dances-on-the-Edge-of-the-Cliff

I could've sworn I shared this story here, on my blog, before ... years ago, when it happened.  But, I can't find it.

Tonight, while attending Playback Theatre rehearsal (a form of improvisational story-telling theatre), I got to "tell a story" that was then re-enacted back to me, as a sacred offering.  Trust me, this may be THE most validating form of therapy one can experience (& I'm a veteran of therapeutic modalities!).

The story goes back several years ... when I was seriously studying, inquiring, investigating the reality of hell.  I was then a Christian, and had been for about 30 years ... and I then-believed that the bible was the "inspired and authoritative word of God."  I had believed, all that time, that hell is real ... that we are born separated from God, that we are depraved and in need of a savior to return to God, that the only savior is Jesus Christ, and that if we do not accept him "as Lord and Savior" that we will go to hell, for an eternity of torment.  IF we accept him "as Lord and Savior" then we go instead, to heaven.  This is what I was taught.  This is what I believed.

Until ... I *had* to question it.

Now, it's a damnable big deal to end up on the wrong side of THAT equation, if it's true.  I had to know, at all cost, what was true.  Years prior to this, when we were excommunicated from church because I had discovered that I am intended (by the Creator) to be a sexual human being, I had cried out for "truth at ALL cost" ... and I meant it.  And this, was part of that unraveling ... actually, the log-jam.

So, here I was, wanting (no, needing!) to know the truth about hell ... which was the truth about God ... which was the truth about life ... which was the truth about me... the truth about everything.

And I was scared shitless to explore ... but I did.  I had to.  I had to do what I couldn't not do.

I spent 18 months delving into this, using the bible, books that were pro-hell, and con-hell, and all manner of historical writings ... countless books, websites, discussion forums, articles, interviews.  I lost half my hair, lots of sleep, and most of my friends, over this.  I would lie in bed, night after night, begging God to not let me go into deception ... to be safe.  To know the truth...!

Finally, after so many signs, and so much evidence (including in the bible itself), I came to see, without question, that hell was a myth ... a metaphor, based on the mythologies of other cultures and religions.  I came to see that God was too vast, too good, too uncontainable, too undefinable, and too non-exclusively-male, to fit in that paradigm.  I fired that God.  I honestly don't even like the word, nor the baggage it brings.

I paid the price, though ... friends, associates, groups, ministries, all dropped me like a hot-potato.  I was "dangerous" ... "deceived" ... "deceptive" ... "off the deep end" ... "spawn of Satan" ... ha!  I even got called, "one of Santa's minions."  ;)  Yes, I am an elf...

I had to read an email one time, listing my many grievances, from a couple who had been very close to me.  It was brutal, reading about how evil they now believed I was.  I was en route to a dinner with other close friends, who strongly believed in the reality of hell - they had provided many of the "pro-hell" books for me to read.  I knew they were concerned for my "eternal salvation" and yet, I knew they loved me.  I had to pull myself  together, put on my best "happy dinner face" and sit down to eat.  As I got out of the car, I shot up a quick, "I need a sign that I'm on the right track!" message.  And I went in.

Dinner was progressing normally ... nothing unusual.  When suddenly, my friend looked startled, and said, "Oh, Dena!  God gave me a vision for you today, and I want to share it with you!"  I had a sinking feeling ... could this be my sign?

He took out a pen, and began to draw a U on a napkin.  "This is the edge of a cliff," he began.  (I'm thinking, "cliff ... this can't be good.")   He continued, "And in the middle here, is the abyss."  (Abyss!  That word!  An abyss canNOT be a good thing!")  "And here you are, going over to this edge, turning to the crowd behind you, and beckoning, 'Come here, come and see!', and they do."  (I'm thinking, "ohhhh great, I'm leading others astray ... this is a baaaaad sign!")  "And now, you're going to this side of the cliff," he said, pointing his pen to the middle, "and again, you call people to come look over the edge, and they do."  (I'm now grimacing, no more pretending to be grinning ...)  "And then, you go to the far side, and do the same thing - and the crowd follows you to go look."  (I'm bracing myself, preparing for the worst.)  He paused, looked at me, and said, "And up here, above it all, is God.  And God is saying something to you."  (I have shrunk down, preparing for the onslaught.)   "God is saying, 'That's my girl!'"

I blinked.  I sat tall.  What?  What did he just say God said?  About me?!?  Really?

I ask for a sign, and I get one from this man, who got his vision at the same time the former-friend was writing his email ... this man who was alarmed about what I now-believed, was used as the very instrument to give me the message I most needed to hear ...?

Wow.

He then said, "Oh, I almost forgot.  You're not just walking on the edge of the cliff; you're dancing.  It's what you're born to do.  And, if you fall, angels will be there, to catch you."

He shook his head slightly, as if to "come to" and said, "may I have a bite of your fish?"

So, that's me ... the cliff-dweller.  She-Who-Dances-on-the-Edge-of-the-Cliff.

So be it.



[Post-Script:  For the record, I am no longer a Christian ... I could no longer swallow-whole the concept that we had *ever* been separated from (wait for it) the Only Source of All Life (what *else* had supposedly enlivened me?) ... therefore, without a separation-problem, there was no need for a savior-solution.  It got clear to me that the only thing I'd ever had to be saved-from was the concept that I ever had to be saved in the first place!  I Am in the (wait for it) All in All.  God, in us, AS us.  Plus, the notion of a god who had to kill god to appease god just no longer passed the straight-face test for me.  My concept of God includes ALL That Is ... The Divine ... Source ... Presence ... Spirit ... Brahman ... The Universe ... it matters not what it is called ... it is Love, just Love ... though, in our perception, often distorted ... but that's a whole 'nother blog post!]

The Both/And-ness of Life

"You are the captain of your ship ... the co-creator of your life ... YOU get to choose how to live, and where ... YOU get to determine the course of your experience ... Your thoughts create your reality ... KNOW what you want, and GO for it ... make it happen ... name it and claim it ... Grab that brass ring ... emPOWER yourself ... you are the ONLY one standing in your way ... you have ENDless options!"

"There is a divine plan, and you are bound by it ... Let go ... TRUST ... Relaaaaaax ... Go with the flow ... Don't resist (what you resist, persists) ... Your beliefs determine your life-course ... you don't have a choice, or a say ... you can only choose how to respond to what Life brings you ... Everything is valid and required ... accept ... embrace ... allow ... let go of the oars and go downstream ..."

Ooooookay ...!  Which is it?!?  Which is truth?  Reality?  How life works?

And isn't this just a modern-day rehashing of the perpetual Free-Will vs. God's Will debate?

(I could never decide on THAT one, either.)

I am lousy at debates ... I sit there, take in the arguments, on both sides, and it's like a game of mental ping-pong ... "THAT one has truth ... oh, wait, THAT other one has truth, to ... wait, that was a great point ... oh, dang, that was *also* a great point ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... yup ... yeppers ... mmmhmm ... oh yeah!"  Great workout for the neck muscles, with all that up-and-downing, and back-and-forthing ... but not so good for arriving at conclusions... (& I'm wondering ... are conclusions the point...?  or is it an exercise designed to stretch my perspective ...?).

The deal is, I see truth EVERYwhere ... or at least some truth ... something that rings true ... something that agrees with me, inside ... that makes my inner-jumper leap with re-cognition (remembering, or re-membering with what I knew before ... and went and forgot).  So, I cherry-pick truths ... and connect truth-dots.  Sorta like creative sacred geometry ... if it zings with my soul, it's truth-for-me.

But ... what about the conundrum at the top of this page?  WHICH is truth?  Because they sure 'nuff *seem* to be polar opposites ...!

What if ... what if it takes polar opposites to contain a truth, any truth?
What if ... what if every truth consists of a dance of a divine dichotomy?
What if ... what if they're BOTH true...?

(I mean, c'mon ... the universe, and your own body, wouldn't exist without both expanding and contracting ...)

What if ... yeah, no iffing about it ... I am again, always, forever, a both/and girl.

What zings most-true in my core-being, is that there IS a divine plan ... and that *I* am part of it (but I went and forgot).  That it IS all valid and required (no mistakes, nothing wasted, nothing unnecessary, nothing to screw up) ... AND I need to relax and trust ... AND it's all right on time ... AND I get to choose how to respond ... AND I get to act in ways that feel most-true, and dismiss all that which insults my soul.

What if life is like a cruise ship ... we're all on it ... we're all going in the same direction ... and we WILL safely dock.  However ... while ON that cruise, we each have endless choices ... to stay in the cabin, or venture out ... when/where/what/how-much to eat ... with whom we shall schmooze ... whether to relax alone, or dance wildly ... whether to get wet, or stay dry ... when and how long to sleep ... how we spend our time ... and whether or not we take the time to feel connected to the "captain" (notice how the captain keeps winking ..?).  We even have the choice as to whether we will hate the ride, or fully enJOY it ... and yeah, we can abandon ship ... but then we'll just be dragged along ...

(Admittedly, it ain't a perfect analogy, but y'get my drift ...?)

So ... all that to say, I am going to participate with these seemingly divergent-urges to both RELAX and EMPOWER myself ...

Stand back ... it could get messy.

(Just One of The) Lessons of a Broken-Heart

Written to a friend, when she was feeling the sting of rejection ... she sent it back to me, to take in for myself.  I share it for anyone (everyone?) who has also felt this sting:

Your heart has been lit by this man ... and I get that. It's part of this lesson ... you had to feel a connection, in order for the trigger to be painful, in order to bring up that old stuff, so that you can FEEL to HEAL. Just feel. NO stories, just feel. I know it's as hard as shit, to feel painful stuff, AND to not tell the stories  ... do what you can.

Now you know that you can be captivated, inflamed, and heart-touched. This is good to know, good to experience, delicious to feel. It's part of the beauty of being human. AND you know that it's possible to want someone badly enough that when it's threatened to leave, it hurts. Good to know, even if painful to feel. And you know that there are unhealed-places that must be seen, so as to not continue to fester, unaware. And while it hurts to have them triggered, and hurts to hold them, it wouldn't be happening if you were not now READY to do so. You have manifested this, for your healing, and it remains to be seen if it is ALSO a manifestation for a rewarding, fulfilling, soul-enhancing relationship. 

Yes, your soul is engaged, your heart is touched, by this man. It's a risky adventure when that happens. But it had to happen for at least the healing to also happen ... and it could be more ... and you will find that part out. Part of the risk is letting your heart be touched and seen.
Part of the risk is knowing that you could indeed thus be devastated by the pain (& that you can also heal ... I learned this too -- I could be nearly destroyed by the pain, and rise from it ... even if I still feel the pain, and often).

Part of the risk is being willing to let the one go, who can so-touch you, even at this early stage ... because you want it ALL, not part.

BOTTOM LINE: no matter how you feel about this man, you WANT to know if he cannot accept you a you are. You want MORE than that -- you cannot return to what you left.

Yes ... your heart has gone deep with this man ... when the connection is there, and it's real ... you can't defend against that, without also causing pain. the pain is inevitable now ... with that connection ... and with that, also possibly, unspeakable joy.