Monday, January 27, 2014

A Hard Habit to Break ...

Once upon a time ... a little girl looked out across the vast panoply of her unfolding life, and wondered, "what manner of magic shall happen unto me...?"

The little girl was excited, nearly trembling with the sheer, raw possibility of what Life could bring her.  Because she knew that she was meant to experience magic.  Because she knew her life was meant to be a-Muse-ing.  She reveled in the beauty of the planet, the gloriousness of potentiality, the irrepressible desires and hungers she felt yawning within her.



She wanted it all ... but only EVERYthing that she had come to experience.

And experience, she did ... though she came to learn, and early-on, that Life doesn't necessarily go the way one imagines it will, in order to achieve/attain/experience all that one chooses to achieve/attain/experience, when one signs up for a particular Life-time.

Like all the other inhabitants of the planet. she discovered that along with joy, comes agony.  Along with anticipation, comes disappointment.  Along with pleasure, comes pain.  Along with excitement comes excruciation.  And she learned that along with the magic of Love, comes the shadow of Fear.

She saw some other planet-inhabitants shut down, curling up in virtual fetal-positioned-human-commas, insulating themselves against yet-more Life-enlashments.  She saw others standing, spread-eagle'd-and-wide-open to the valid and required ravishments that Life lavished upon them.

And every time that Life slayed her, shattering her open-heart, she understood why some would indeed choose to shut down.  She could not judge them, though she would weep from the knowingness of their pain -- for she *felt* their pain.  Deeply.

And every time she, too, found herself temporarily double-over in agony, begging for mercy from the cleverly-disguised Gifts of Pain with which Life saw fit to caress her, she would feel that resolve of tenaciously stubborn crazy-braveness, and collect the heart-shards, making a haphazard mosaic from the pieces ... a cacophony of symphonic alchemy.  She knew, somehow, even mid-painshe knew, that it took what it took, and all that it took, for as long as it took, for that soul-alchemy to work its ... magic.



She remembered, albeit oh-so-vaguely, that she had said "yes" to this, to all of this.  And so, whenever that ephemeral remembering (which was a re-membering with what she'd forgotten) swirled its way to her Rememberer, she'd reaffirm that "yes".  Sometimes even on her knees, arms open wide to the sky, face turned to the rising sun, with eyes-overflowing, body trembling, and voice shaking ... "Yes.  I say Yes to all that I came here for.  I thank You for the Most Benevolent Outcome.  So Be It."









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But, she did not live happily ever after.  No ... in fact, oddly enough, when happiness came, in one of a myriad of manifestations (and they did come), she noticed that she had learned to become wary, suspicious, even, of the happiness.  Would it last?  Would it stay?  Could she trust it?  Would it evaporate, disintegrate into dust, and blow away?

Happiness, she knew, and even believed, was but one of a plethora of emotions (e-motion, energy-in-motion) that would show up, share a gift-to-be-felt, and leave.  It was not to be pursued, so much as welcomed.  In fact, she had learned that the right to pursue happiness, was actually a curse, for it implied that happiness was our birthright, and if we weren't happy, then damn-it, something  must be *wrong*...!

She had learned that Joy was bigger than happiness ... in fact, that Joy was comprised of the honest feeling of all emotions.  That sadness could be beautiful, when authentically honored.  That anger could be liberatingly powerful, when authentically felt.  That fear could be exquisite, when felt as a well-intentioned friend.  And that if she repressed any one particular emotion, she likewise flat-lined all other emotions.  To fully experience the ones she "wanted" to feel, she had to open to door, also fully, to the ones she didn't particularly want to feel...



But ... it also dawned upon her that she had developed a curious penchant ... that when happiness did come, in the guise of a blessing, or a gift, or a friend, or a lover, or any benevolent outcome, she would feel, as well, the looming-impending-doom of the happiness-catalyst leaving.  She had learned to anticipate the curse of rejection, of abandonment, of being forsaken ... even while the happiness-catalyst was with her.

She had learned to habitualize the anticipation of loss.

And this, she became aware, was a hard habit to break.

So ... she said to herself, "If I have indeed learned this, then it's possible, and perhaps crucial, to UNlearn this."

So Be It.

(stay tuned)



3 comments:

Unknown said...
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Debra Masters said...

Because life is so difficult and so painful, many of us come to believe that it's "safer" to hide. We come to believe that no one out there cares one whit about our intrinsic self. So we bundle our "selves" up and we hide them away. The few times we have dared to share that self has gotten us slam dunked. It's safer not to want that which one cannot have. You know...

Dena said...

Debra, you know I know what you're talking about ... and yes, the initial feeling, for me, too, is to self-protect, to shut down, to hide, to play safe.

And yet ... the pain from having done so, the pain that comes with numbing down, is worse than the pain of risking pain.

I don't know if I'd ever give up ... I haven't yet. I'd like to think that I can now struggle with accepting the bittersweetness of learning to trust happiness.