Spiritual Divorce ...

Sigh ... yeah, I know ... I was on a roll, and then I stopped blogging.

Can anyone say: "Transitional Upheaval"...?!?

That would best describe my life right now ... and so I've got to share what's helping me right now ... rather than going on with where I was 3 weeks ago. For those who want more about Bill Ferguson, and his teachings, I recommend his website. You can sign up for a free e-course there, as well. Well worth it.

Meanwhile, many other things are speaking to me ... including the following books:

~ The Shadow Effect, by Debbie Ford

~ Journey, by Brandon Bays

~ Spiritual Divorce, also by Debbie Ford

It's the last one I wanted to share from today ... for me ... yes, I need to do this for me.

It opens with this quote, by Socrates:

A life unexamined is not worth living.

Smiling through my tears ... yeah, I believe that. Even while this examination has caused me to question my sanity ...

Whether I didn't sign up for the "quick/easy/simple" life ... or whether I'm just so stinkin' complicated that it takes all this pain to UNdo me, I dunno. But I'm smack-dab in the middle of seemingly-unrelenting pain ... and there's no way to go but through.

I tried going "back" ... it just ain't an option ... crap.

Something must be working though, I mean, I must be learning SOMEthing from past experiences, because despite this pain being rather hugely, I am unable to shake the awareness of JOY down deep ... and the urging to "trust, just trust".

So far, while I can certainly get eclipsed by the pain, and paralyzed by the fear ... I can't kill the joy. It keeps popping up.

And so I say, "Thank you."

And ... "please help...!"

Going on with this book ... I'm going to just quote some passages that jumped out at me this morning, now underlined in my favorite purple ink. And, it's not just marriages that this applies to ... it can speak to any significant relationship, particularly intimate ones:

(these first few quotes come from the forward, by Neale Donald Walsh - yeah, the "Conversations with God" dude)

~ "Separation does not exist in the universe. It is impossible to end a relationship. It is only possible to change it. It is not a question of whether we are going to have the relationship, but of what kind of relationship we are going to have."

~ "Few things are as devastating as the dissolution of a marriage. Yet, the dissolution that we mourn is a figment of our imagination. Once we understand this, we are on the road to recovery."

~ "It is possible to be apart, but it is impossible to not be a part."

~ "This book is about being whole, just when we thought we had been broken apart. It is about experiencing that, just when we think it is falling apart, our life may actually be falling together for the first time."

~ "When we hurt, we cannot see and we cannot sing and we cannot dance life's joyous dance. This book is about healing the biggest hurt that life can inflict: the ending of a dream, the loss of a love."

~ "It is the self, of course, that we imagine we have lost in a divorce (or loss of relationship). Every idea of the self is trampled on. That we are loving and that we are lovable. That we are nice to be with, and someone whom no one would ever want to leave. That we make good choices and are wonderful judges of people. That we can trust our heart. And that our love, given to the fullest, will always win the day."

[That last part made me cry ... ]

~ "We have never lost, and can never lose, what we imagine ourselves to have lost: the wonder of Who We Really Are."

~ "An end never really exists in a relationship -- but an end to the pain of one can."

(the following quotes come from the first chapter, by Debbie Ford)

~ "I felt as if I was caught in the middle of the second act of a bad play. The third act was about to begin, and the outcome could go either way... I was torn between two worlds, and neither one held the promise of happiness ... As I faced my shattered reality, my emotions changed as often as the weather outside. One moment I was calm and hopeful; the next I was depressed and withdrawn ... Why is this happening? Why can't I stop it? And why am I reliving my worst nightmare?"

[I can SO relate to that ...! And, I find hope in the fact that she moved ON from that ... and is now thriving ... and even wrote about it!]

~ "Somehow I knew that if I didn't find and heal the parts of myself that had kept me from having a loving, nurturing relationship, I would be doomed to living a life without a loving partner. It was an opportunity to observe, question and transform beliefs and behaviors that no longer served me."

~ "Life presents us with many opportunitiess to awaken to our divine nature, the highest expression of ourselves. some people call these opportunities spiritual wake-up calls. Most of the time they appear during times of great distress. Divorce is one of these times."

~ Pain is a great motivator that breaks down the walls that keep old behaviors/beliefs intact. Pain guides us toward thoughts and ideas that we otherwise might push away, and it forces us to seek answers from places we've never looked before. Pain opens our minds to ideas that hold the key to new insights, understanding, and freedom. Emotional turmoil can be a powerful catalyst to reconnect us with our divine nature. It propels us into a journey of self-discovery and urges us to learn how to love and accept our entire being. It has been said that you will learn more in ten days of agony than in ten years of contentment."

[Ohhhhhhhh, yeah! Man, WHAT did I sign up for?!? Next time around, I'm getting in the stupid-happy line!]

~ "It might just be that learning to love the totality of ourselves - the 'good' and the 'not-so-good' -- is the most difficult task to which we're ever assigned."

[Y'think?!?]

~ "Often [when we don't face our shadows] we become depressed or angry and have inner dialogues like 'I can't trust anyone,' 'life sucks', or ' I'll never let anyone do that to me again.' All of our negative feelings and painful messages are stuffed within our consciousness. Left unexamined, we turn these toxic emotions and negative beliefs back on ourselves. Neglecting our inner wounds results in failed relationships, addictions, obsessions, depressions, chronic illness, and a negative view of ourselves, others, and the world."

~ "It's imperative that we use the time to heal. Healing is the primary path returning us to a place where we see the perfection of our humanity. It is this awareness that gives us the opportunity to return to the deepest connection available to anyone -- our connection with our Divine Creator."

NO idea what I'll blog tomorrow, as I'm currently juggling 3 (or is it 4?) books. And it may not be helpful to ANYone else ... but I gotta do what I gotta do ... I WILL get through this...!

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Find the Hurt

The first step in the healing process is to discover, as specifically as possible, what the hurt is. Ultimately, this hurt, or core issue, will be some form of feeling "not ok."

It's not the truth that you are this way. It's just an old, suppressed, childhood emotion. It's the avoidance of this emotion that sabotages your life.

To find this hurt, look for the words of "not ok" that are the most uncomfortable. Are you worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, or a failure? The more painful the words, the closer you are to your core hurt.

Then, go back in time ... put yourself IN the hurt that you experienced as a child ... Ask yourself .. "what incredibly painful thing did you believe about yourself, as a result of what happened to you then?"

Every time we are upset, it's because a core issue has been triggered...

We can discover these core issues by making a list of all our fears ... and find the hurt we'd have to feel if the fear came to pass in reality.

We can ask, "what do I need to be happy?" Happiness only comes from within, so if we think we NEED something to be happy, this need comes from avoiding a specific hurt.

Another way to discover the inner hurt is to look at what I'm driven towards. In reality, I'm only driven from something ... and I am drawn to something.

If I feel as if I'm driven to something, I can know that there's a hurt I'm avoiding ...

Next: The Illusion of Judgment

Shalom & Namaste~
Dena

Releasing Emotion

There are two sorts of pain that we avoid:

~ Current situational emotions

~ Suppressed hurt from the past


And ... the former can trigger the latter ... so that the pain of our past fuels our current situation ... making the proverbial "mountain out of a molehill".

The basic suppressed hurt, from early childhood, is the feeling of "not being ok". And the key to healing is to get that hurt OUT.

Life will conspire to orchestrate situations and relationships that will intentionally trigger the old pain ... for the purpose of getting it to the surface, into our awareness, in order to be *released*...!

When I resist my pain, when I lash out and blame the situation/person who triggers me, I insure that the pain will remain hidden in me ... continuing to cause me damage, unawares. Then my life will be diminished, and my relationships will be sabotaged.

When I am willing to feel my pain, to dive headlong into it, then I can bring it to the surface, and expose it ... I can look closely at it ... I can look for what I came to believe about myself, as a result of that painful situation ... and I can discover if that belief is totally true about me, or not ...

Next: Healing Core Issues

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Healing Core Issues

The hurt that we avoid is the childhood hurt of feeling worthless, not worth loving, not good enough, or some other form of feeling "not ok".

...Fortunately, this is a hurt that can be healed. You can take away much of its power and you can heal a major part of it very quickly. You can heal it quickly because the hurt isn't based on fact; it's based on thoughts.

It is impossible for you to be either worthless, or worthy. These are only thoughts, and opinions ... they aren't facts. They only exist in the mind. Worthiness and worthlessness don't exist ... and we spend our entire lives trying to escape something that doesn't even exist.

Although judgment does not exist in realty, it's very real in *our* reality. In the realm of thoughts, we are both worthy and worthless, good enough and not good enough, lovable and unlovable. We are everything.

One moment we'll feel one way, and in the next moment, we'll feel another way. These are all aspects of being human. They are in each of us.

Instead of fighting these aspects of you, make peace with them. Own them and embrace them.

Get to the place where you can say, "Yes. I am totally worthless. So what? I am also totally worthy. These are both aspects of me." When this happens, the issue loses power and disappears.

Next: Find the Hurt

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Letting Go

Ultimately, resisting is the only thing that keeps life from working. When you let go of the resisting, you remove the tunnel vision. You can see what you need to do, and life starts working again.

The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you cold never have seen before.

Fear is created by resisting a future event. The more you resist the future event, the bigger your fear. The bigger your fear,the more you feel threatened. The more you feel threatened, the more you act destructively, and the more your fear comes true.

If I want to have my fear lose its power, I need to do the opposite of what creates the fear ... instead of resisting ... I need to become willing for the future even to *happen*.

That doesn't mean I WANT the feared future event to happen ... or that I will passively allow it to happen. It's a state of *mind* ... it's an inner willingness to play it out in my mind, to internally witness the feared-outcome ... and to tell myself, "I will be ok anyway -- even if that happens."

In my heart/mind, I become wiling for my fear to come true ... even as I do what I need to in my actions to keep it from happening.

For this to work, I then say, "I am willing to lose my job," or "I am willing to lose that relationship," or "I am willing to lose my reputation," ... or whatever it is that I'm most afraid of losing.

I find peace when I let go of my *demands* that life should be a certain way ... I can surrender to how life unfolds ... I can ride the ride, ride the current downstream, and trust that everything will turn out ok ... in THAT state of acceptance, I can see clearly to take the actions that cooperate with the life I want to live.

It's about trusting that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok.

Ultimately, trust is a choice. I create trust, by declaring, to myself, that "I will be ok no matter what happens ... I trust, and will be ok, because I say so."

I notice that things have been tough in the past ... and I notice that I have always been ok. I am here today, typing this out, because I have survived everything so far, despite my fears at the time, that I would not.

Tough times come and go -- it's part of life. But they go more quickly, when I don't resist ... when I go with the flow, and trust.

When I am willing to lose everything, I cannot be threatened. Wow -- powerful!

When I am wiling to let go, what I do have becomes infinitely precious to me ... I appreciate the people and things in my life all the more. I become incredibly grateful for what I DO have ... which makes it more likely that the people I appreciate stay around ...

Also ... I need to become willing to feel my pain ... when I'm no longer trying to avoid my pain, it disappears more quickly ...

Next: Releasing Emotion

Shalom & Namaste~
Dena

We Fight the Truth

Wehn you fight the truth of the way your situation is, you destroy your effectiveness and make your situaiton worse. You do this in five very destructive ways:

1. You get upset and lose your ability to see clearly.

2. You destroy love and create opposition.

3. You magnify whatever you are resisting.

4. You put yourself "at the effect" and lose your power.

5. You lose your ability to see the truth.

If I resist the truth of my situation, and thus cannot SEE the truth, it's akin to trying to open a door that I can't even see is locked.

But once I surrender to the truth of my situation, I can SEE it clearly. I may not *like* what I see, but at least I can see it ... and I can then see what to do about it.

Next: Letting Go

Shalom & Namaste~
Dena

Accepting 100% Responsibility

Once you discover your role in a particular problem, you can turn your situation around.

When you can't see your role in the problem, or when you blame someone else or some circumstance for your situation, you put yourself "at the effect." You lose your power and you stay stuck.

I grew up hearing that relationships were 50/50 propositions ... that each one was 50% responsible for the relationship.

I don't believe that anymore ... for that creates a victim status ... if I need you to do your 50% share, and you don't ... then I'm suck with a mediocre relationship. I see that relationships are 100/100 .. EACH person is 100% responsible for either the presence of love, or the absence of love.

Whenever I blame YOU, I give you all my power. If I believe that you have 100% responsibility, I'm putting myself at 0% responsibility, and therefore I have no power.

In order to get my power back, I need to stop blaming, and find MY role in the problem at hand.

Here's how Bill Ferguson puts it:

If you are in a cycle of conflict, notice that you have been fighting the truth of the way that person is. Notice that you did not make sure that the other person felt loved, accepted and appreciated. Notice that you have been judgmental, critical and perhaps controlling, or hanging on.

Notice that the other person got hurt, put up his or her walls of protection, and gave it right back to you. Then you got more upset and became more critical of the other person. Then the other person got more upset at you.

And so goes the cycle of conflict...

When we blame another ... we take the focus off of ourselves ...

Why? because I don't WANT to see that I am the problem ... I don't WANT to see that I believe that I'm worthless, not worth loving, a failure, or whatever core issue that I'm hiding from myself and others.

Now ... it's not true that I'm that way ... such core issues are false. It's just a suppressed hurt that FEELS true ... it's a hurt that I will do ANYthing to avoid facing and feeling ... even if I have to lash out at you, and blame you. I will even sabotage a precious relationship, if it means I get to protect myself from feeling pain ...

Life only works, and relationships only work, when I take responsibility for myself, and for the results. If I have an area of my life that's not working -- then *I* have to do something with it.

I am either resisting the truth about my situation, or else I'm resisting how my situation *may* become ... and when I resist, when I am unwilling, I create a state of fear, upset, and tunnel vision that takes away my power, makes the problem bigger, and keeps me from seeing and implementing solutions ...

ANY are of your life that isn't working is an area where you are resisting. Let go of the resisting, and this area of life will start clearing up.

Next: We Fight the Truth

Shalom & Namaste~
Dena