Very Personal Update ...

The blog posts that have been coming out this week were written in advance, as this was a week of preparation for an art show.

However, this has become another sort of week.

And it's time to put words to what's happening.

'Tis time, to break this silence.

Something big, no, huge ... is happening in my life, and our family. Some people know, and others do not ... and others have heard bits and pieces, and may have been forming their own conclusions.

This, being a blog, is not the place for me to go into deep details ... but this, being a place where I do connect with others, is a place to share what I can, while honoring others involved.

This is a challenge, the biggest challenge, to this marriage. And it's by my doing. I make no excuses, justifications, or rationalizations -- there's just what IS. While I've not *done* anything ... my heart has become connected to another, in a way that brings me joy, and yet which brings great pain to my husband, to our children, and to those who know and love us. Yes, I feel deep love for another man. I have carried this a long while, denying it to myself ... and very recently, just this week, spoke out the truth ... the truth about what's happening to me, and about what has been painful in our marriage. I tried, with everything in me, to wait until after our daughter, Micaela's wedding next month. But I am not duplicious, and it was killing me ... if I had withheld any longer, it would've done physical harm.

Don't get me wrong -- this marriage has been magnificent ... it's all everyone has seen. But, there have also been deep places of pain ... in which both of us have felt very stuck. Hear me here: this is NOT about any failing on Mark's part ... anyone who knows Mark, even remotely, knows what an amazing man he is. I know NO one who knows him, who does not love and admire him. And that very much includes me.

Now, I know all the typical scenarios of how to paint "this" ... trust me, I spent years advising and counseling others in "how to deal with this." I know the normal course of action, and I know what others expect this to look like. We are getting all manner of advice, from people who are in a paradigm that we no longer live in. It is appreciated, knowing the intent behind it ... but it simply does not fit who we are any longer.

In case no one has noticed, this family simply does not do "normal". And, quite frankly, we are thrilled to be out of the confines of "normal." Without exception. We have been, together, walking out a path of normality-alteration. Everything, but only everything, that we formerly thought/knew/believed has been radically altered.

So, it would be a mistake for anyone to assume that the way we go from here, will in any way resemble normalcy.

This is day 5 of The Big Deal. Under normal circumstances, any other husband would've done the "tough love" thing. I "should" be kicked out, the locks "should" be changed ... the children "should" be protected from me. There "should" be yelling, and fighting, and defending, and accusations, and all manner of shaming and condemning.

There is none of that. Yes, there is pain -- immense pain. Yes, there was/is shock. Yes, there is uncertainty.

BUT -- whether anyone can possibly believe it or not, there is tremendous LOVE happening here, in this household. Mark sees me, deeply. He understands why this happened ... he does not blame me (and neither is HE to blame -- this is NOT about any sort of "inadequacy" on Mark's part!). This is not about "right/wrong" for us -- we are out of that paradigm. This is about "what works/what doesn't work."

Mark is tapping into a deep Source of Love, that is beyond comprehension ... this cannot be fathomed with the mind. This is not logical. This is not conventional. And it's absolutely undeniable. He wants me to stay, even while we are in limbo, about how this will play out, in the tangibles. He refuses to allow me to be shamed, condemned or even spoken-against, by anyone. He has made it clear -- if anyone wants to get to me, they have to go through him first. This is his doing ... this cannot be manipulated, and I lack that power, that ability. I don't do manipulation anymore ... it's not who I am, who I have become.

I have not asked for this ... I was prepared to leave. He gives me this, this total acceptance, love, and even protection, out of this reservoir of Love. Yes, he's in pain ... yes, I'm in pain, yes, the children are in pain ... but we're ALL seeing Something operating here ... Something Huger than all of this ... Something transformational ... Something that is simplifying life into the bare essential, of Love.

A love that excludes no one ... a love that includes all. ALL. A love that bypasses labels, and symbols, and concepts, and even understanding. A Love that is having It's way with us.

I recognize that, coming from me, from the one who has likely now lost all credibility with anyone who's reading this ... that this sounds uber-absurd. Ultimate rationalization. Selfish justification. I get that. I'm willing to let that be. What others think of me is really none of my business ... and I'd rather be loathed for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Mark, and the children, and I ... are astonishingly coming to the place where we are not only accepting of what is, but are seeing the good in what is happening (each one in their own way, in their own timing). Even if no one else on this planet sees it, accepts it, or gets it (really, we've kind of gotten used to that ...!). No one here can deny the love we see unfolding ... and we are TRUSTing that the outcome of this will be good for all. ALL. We are walking this out together, one day at a time, trusting as we go, loving as we go, being enlarged by this Love as we go.

Mark was just here, as I was typing this out ... and he wants me to let everyone know that if anyone doubts where *he* is on this, how *he* sees this, and is experiencing this, that you can contact him directly ... his email is mbrehm@cusa.canon.com

Additionally, he wants to convey that this is what love does. He simply cannot fathom how love could turn against one who is loved. Guilt, and condemnation have no place in love. Ego is that which self-protects and attacks ... that is not possible with love. Love is that which is revealed, when the illusions are stripped away.

He just looked me in the eye, seeing me as I AM ... and said, "You are good. I see you, and you are GOOD."

That's what love looks like. And I am blown away by this depth of Other-Love.

For now, that's all I have to say ... on Day 5, as we walk this out. There is joy in this house. I am smiling ... Mark is smiling. The children are smiling. Love expands.

Uncanny, unlikely, even preposterous ... but nevertheless Real.

Expect the unexpected ...

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena