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I am a human yo-yo. A pendulum-swinger. A
Libra chick. A both/and girl. I've spent my time in the
ditches - on both sides of the road. And
this is me - this is how I do.
I find myself reeling back and forth between the
"creative/magical" thinking to the "pragmatic/practical"
thinking (& I have both - I even had the creative mama and the
judge/lawyer father) ... my heart lies more toward the
creative/magical ... but I live in this world system wherein it's all
about the pragmatic/practical ... so I have to navigate it ...
but ohhhhhh how it squelches my soul! I was
catapulted OUT of that previous system, of "doing the right
thing, living on the treadmill, grinding it out" ... and I find
myself utterly UNable to do that again...!
I can't betray THAT which got me OUT of all THAT...!
And yet ... I have to pay bills, and eat, and function
in this system. Provision has come, yes ... but the means of it is
finite, and dwindling ... I have about 2 years left (IF I am very
careful) to live on, this way, here ... and then I'll have to join
the circus, or a commune, or a convent or marry myself off via
CraigsList...
I'm an artist, an actor, a writer, an inspire-er ... and
that's what I want to do ... what I'm most gifted to do ... and yet I
am terrified, because those things have not yet, and typically do
not, for most, provide sufficient income.
I have been a kept-woman, most of my life ... by an
over-protective father ... and then by my ex-husband (though I must
confess to my own acquiescence, agreement, and cooperation with that
kept-ness) ... and for the past three years, I've had to slug my way
through this swamp of a steep learning curve, learning ALL the basic
life-skills that most folks take on when they are in their early
20's.
Perhaps it's a matter of tweaking my perspective -
perhaps I am still a kept-woman, only now being kept (as I
truly always was) by the Universe ...
Ohhhh, the multitudinous-myriad of multiple-options that
have been in front of me, clamoring for my attention, decision and
direction ...! I have been rendered nearly *paralyzed* by the
indecision (the curse of the Libra) ... so many voices demanding my
acquiescence ...
"get a job" ... "go back to school"
...
"fly here, I'll give you security" ... "just
paint, and they will come" ...
"something will show up" ... "volunteer"
...
"invest" ... "try this
sure-fire-online-thang" ...
"create
your own nest" ... "leap off the cliff" ...
"do something safe" ... "do something
radical" ...
"be like this" ... "be yourself"
...
"stay put" ... "go the distance" ...
"get
practical" ... " get magical - you know you don't have a
practical bone in your body" ...
"try
harder" ... "let go" ...
"use your brain" ... "follow your heart"
...
"face your fears head-on" ... "think
positive" ...
"you
are so smart/creative/gifted/funny/clever - you're wasting your
gifts" ... "just do a job, any job - the rest of the world
has to - do you really think you're better than anyone else?"
...
"stop being entitlement-minded, you're not special"
... "don't sell out - you're an artist!" ...
"do the right thing" .. "follow your
bliss" ...
"life is hard work" .. "life is
miraculous" ...
"follow this path" ... "forge your own
trail" ...
"trust your advisers" ... "trust your
intuition" ...
"you keep making stupid mistakes" ... "look
how you've been guided" ...
"there's so much at stake" ... "you can't
make a mistake" ...
"you could end up alone and destitute and dead"
... "you will never be alone" ...
"you're on the verge of losing everything" ...
"you have nothing to lose" ...
"come to your senses" ... "go for the
life you've dreamed of" ...
"time to get practical" ... "time to get
magical" ...
And I sense that I'm being called to do both/and ... but
that the practical will flow out of the magical ...
I sense that I've been in the training ground of
learning how to trust the latter ... and have been feeling the pain
of releasing the tyranny of the former ...
I sense that if I do the practical out of the energy
of fear, I return to the treadmill from which I was
catapulted ...
But if I do the practical out of what materializes from
the energy of love, that's when the magic happens.
6 comments:
I so feel you on this. I'm in the same place... torn between choices.
Thank you for reading, and responding. It always helps to not feel alone, in whatever we may be going through.
To borrow one of the few Byron Katie-isms I use, it's laughing while doing the dishes.
One of the most important messages I received at the beginning of my journey was that my results indicated whether I were more committed to my goal or my obstacles. When you're following your bliss, the mundane stuff becomes a simple checklist to mark off. :-)
Dena, I also understand your expression of life experiences, the push/pull, the give/take, the multitude of paths placed in front of you. I understand the "being taken care of" and the conscious effort of "learning to take care of oneself." I am also at a place where the self is saying, make a decision. May the Universe continue to guide us on this amazing journey we call life.
I've come to realize that we live in both worlds, and that's just the way it is. navigating our dual natures is what makes it all interesting. That's my two cents.
Dena, we were on a similar journey a few years ago, but a lot can happen in that much time. I love your writing, and often reflect back to our daily dialogue. Your writing reminds me of many of the things we used to talk about. You have not stopped growing and neither have I. Life is so full of teaching and learning.
Connie
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