Born-Again...?

I did something crazy-brave today ...

I drove south, to the city of my birth, to experience a process that's a type of "rebirthing".

The process is called Transformational Breathwork ... it's a self-healing modality that enables a deep integrating of old, "stuck" emotional energy ... allowing it to be accessed, experienced, felt, and "digested" so that the body can use it, rather than waste energy suppressing/wharehousing it.

The mind can get rather annoyed, since it's not part of the process ... which is good, as I no longer am interested in getting trapped in the mental-circularity ... my mind only *thinks* it helps me with its myriad of stories, explanations, plans, solutions and interpretations... all the while busying me with the "effects" while the "cause" goes on unseen ...

The point of TB is to get to the cause, without revisiting painful memories, or reliving traumatic events ... the body knows HOW to digest these emotional energies, just as it know show to digest the food we eat -- without our conscious involvement or instruction ("hey, banana, turn left ... ok, stop ... ok, body, start with the digestive juices now...").

Our bodies have innate wisdom we are largely unaware of.

The amazing woman who journeyed with me in this process is Phyllis Linn - in Eugene, Oregon. She opened up her home, her experience, and her gift to me ... and I am grateful.

While doing the connective breathing, and trusting the process, the facilitator massaged various spots on my body, to help "release" the trapped emotional energy ... and she would occasionally say a phrase she intuitively felt was corresponding to what I was repressing.

For instance:

I forgive everyone I believe has harmed me in any way.

It is safe to express all of who I am.

It is safe to fully give and receive love.

I trust the perfect and safe unfolding of my life.

With each of those statements, as I was breathing ... tears were released. I had no memories arise, I just felt a flood of emotion -- but more like I was observing this emotion being felt in my body, rather than feeling "the story" of the emotion.

Other messages I "received" were these:

The universe is friendly.

Everything that happens is FOR me, not TO me.

Everyone, including me, is doing their best, at all times.

I am unconditional love, at the very core of my being.

Everyone loves me -- they just might not know it yet.

What thought am I believing that is causing my suffering? Is it possible that it's not true?

At the end of the session, after over an hour of continuous breathing, movements, toning ... I was wrapped in a warm blanket, and left to slow my breathing to normal, while floating on gentle waves of music ... I felt peaceful, serene, safe ... calm. Loved. Empowered. I had flash-visions of me dancing ... and creating art. Ohhhhh, how I have missed me!

A far cry from the frenzy of fear, panic, grief, tied-in-knottedness I've been experiencing lately.

I do not yet know what was "done" ... whether this is a turning point from the "dark night of the soul" ... or whether it's just a merciful respite. I have to let this unfold, as I go forward. I know that this is a tool that I can continue ... a daily practice I can take with me in my life.

There was one more "take-away" that the facilitator gave me:

You live and move and have your being in a universe that consists of such tenderness, such love, such personal care of the living God, of the eternal presence in all that is, that it simply defies description. You are surrounded by a universe in which there is simply nothing ever to fear, no matter what momentary appearances may be.

And so it is ...

Don't Settle ...!

I often run into the admonition, "don't settle for less than what you deserve! you deserve the best - you deserve to be happy!"

Oh really..?

I mean, I get the concept. I've even said it: "I won't settle."

Who can say what is "settling"? I agree, never "settle" ... but no one outside of us can determine what that may be.

I will not settle for less than my soul's purpose ... but that may have nothing to do with our culture's romantic, fairy-tale expectations of what we think we "deserve" ... or "happily ever after."

Deep relationships are often about growth, not just "being happy" ... happiness is but one of a multitude of emotions that humans experience ... for me to label some emotions "good/welcome" and some "bad/unwelcome" is to become hemiplegic to my full humanity! If I squelch the "bad" emotions/experiences, I also dull the "good" emotions/experiences ... it takes both postivity and negativity to enable the universe itself to exist.

I am here to experience it all ... ala Rumi's

"The Guest House"

... every emotion, every experience, every encounter is a messenger to me, and therefore welcome (though I often resist, and need to continuously remind myself to be welcoming, when the painful "guests" arrive).

An authentically intimate relationship will "trigger" my deepest wounds, my core beliefs, my hidden shadows, and bring them to the surface ... this does not usually feel "good"...! It often feels like open-soul surgery, without any anesthesia. I am prone to blaming, projecting, and running. I am that human.

And yet, love would say, "I trust you - I welcome you into my depths - I give you permission to love me enough to mirror my depths back to me, so that I may know myself in ways I cannot on my own ... and I shall do the same for you."

I did not stand in the "stupid-happy" line for this lifetime ... I apparently stood in the "gimme full-throttle, roller-coastery, deep-saturation" line. It's wild. It's real. It's often gut-kickingly, double-overingly PAINful ... as in exquisite agony. But also excruciatingly delicious.

I want authentic intimacy. I will not settle for merely "happy."

Nope. No way. Nuh-uh.