Saturday, February 16, 2013

I AM ...!

It's been a horrendously-albeit-gloriously epic week ... At least, this is what I've been telling myself.  Because I can dramatize anything.  Seriously, I can turn sitting on the toilet, and discovering that I'm out of toilet paper, into a tragedy.  And then, because I can, I turn it into a comedy.  To amuse the voices in my head, AKA the audience.  (Yes, I am Legion.)  Better to laugh hysterically, than to scream, thusly.  But best of all, to blog about it.

So, between the betrayals, the deceptions, the confessions, the forgivenesses, the blessings, the celebrational envy-of-the-joy-of-others, the survival of Vendetta Day (some of you may call it "Valentine's Day" - the day we observe the obligational-affectionary spewing of Pepto-Bismol-pink all over creation, or at least the stores), some anniversarial triggerings, some intensely emotional conversations, the loss of my longest-ever friendship, an expensive SNAFU-lesson with Verizon, the painfully-difficult standing-of-my-ground, and an infected eye (yes, one really must remove the contact on occasion), I heard one major message:


Because, when all is said and done, I am all I have.

My soul, the little stinker, apparently asked for this ... because my soul knows what my mind doesn't yet:  that I can handle this, that I even required this, that all this is valid, necessary, for my growth, evolution, expansion.

I've known this for a long while now ... it started when I cried out for "truth at all cost" ... that was 8 years ago, almost 9.

I knew this when I questioned everything ... when I started losing friends, left and right ... when I left my marriage ... when I did a series of emotional-bungee-jumping cliff-dives ... when I said "yes" to the divine plan ... when I renewed that "yes" more than once ... when I experienced a shamanic ceremony, and saw/heard/felt/smelled/tasted the words, "Sudden and Complete Life Change - From Now On Nothing Remains The Same!"

Ok ... but somehow, part of me thought, or at least hoped, it would be a bit more ... comfy.  Or at least less excruciating.  Less agonizing.

I wonder ... how long shall reeling be my modus operandii...?

Or ... is it just that I need a perspective-tweaking ... a shift in how I think, how I label what I experience?

I mean, is running out of toilet paper TRULY a death-defying situation ...?

I had a conversation today, with Sarah Ross, a life-coach (I keep attracting life-coaches ... hmmmm...).  I whined and groused and vented and dumped what I wrote above, about "the horrendously epic week" ... and she summed it up like this:

"I am so happy and grateful that you feel the blesings, even when they are messy and look like crap, frankly."

Messy-crap blessings.  (oooooh, see how this ties into the toilet paper trauma?!?)

Beautiful torment.

Exquisite agony.

Flawed perfection.

Vulnerable strength.

Courageous fear.

Tumultuous peace.

Divine-dichotomies, all ...

Which is fitting since I am a divinely-dichotomous, fully-human sort of woman.

So, Sarah asked me who I am... I AM an expression of The Divine, here in human form, cleverly disguised as Dena.  

She asked me to articulate my vision of me ... so, in the midst of some rather painful emotions, some strangling fears, and some severe doubts ... I intentionally expanded that narrowed tunnel-vision I was self-confined in, and dared to say:

Strong, confident ... inspiring others ... speaking, writing, acting, painting, dancing ... living fully ... relationships restored ... a life-partner with me, sharing life, co-healing, co-inspiring, co-creating ... experiencing abundant provision, giving to others ... enJOYing life, fully ... all aspects, welcoming whatever emotion comes along, receiving/allowing the messages ... growing, evolving, expanding ... exploring heights and depths ... authentically intimate, passionate, unleashed ...!

I have always sensed that I was "sent" here for a big mission.  Yeah, I'm fully aware of the grandiosity of that ... and yet, the simplicity of that (ha - another dichotomy!).  And lately, I have felt derailed, inept, incompetent ... THAT, I believe, is what I have most-grieved.  The loss of my purpose, my meaning, my vision, my gifts, my mission.

I AM re-claiming this.  I AM re-membering this.  I AM re-cognizing this.  I AM real-eyes-ing this.

Living small is not serving me, nor anyone else ...

I AM daring to show up ... to live my life ... to be me ... to take risks ... to make mistakes ... to be gloriously-messy ... to NOT hold back ... to not live-small ... to not shut-down, or numb-out ...

I AM going to survive,  and thrive ... even if it kills me ...

So be it.


Sue said...

I had a mini meltdown before because my partner and I were planning our food shopping for the week, and I know this sounds weird but *I can't seem to remember what it is that I like to eat!* I also feel like I have lost all of my confidence when it comes to cooking anything. It's so strange. It's almost like I have had a mini-stroke in the compartment of my brain related to food :) Part of my problems are that my allergies to wheat gluten and now dairy are making the food turning circle smaller and smaller. So I cried because I felt overwhelmed about organising food to eat for the week. So I totally understand the "I might just cry now" regarding toilet paper and such sundry things.

I think there are a lot of stresses on our bodies, especially women's, with the amount of crap in the air and in the environment messing with our hormones. Sometimes it seems *right* to get upset at such small things ... but then I love what you say about then turning it around and laughing at it because you can. I am in the process of learning how to do it. It's sort of hard to learn ... and a wonderful weapon to have in your arsenal. An admirable quality that you have, Ms D :)

Enjoyable post as always.

Dena said...

(((Oh, Sue!)))

Yeah ... the overwhelms can sneak up, huh? I want to honor that aspect of being human, and not berate myself because I "should" be: balanced, sane, centered, grounded, normal, calm, logical, or ANYthing other than what I am, in the moment.

But yes ... when it can shift from overwhelm to laughter ... it's a good moment.

Harry said...

Have at it, Dena! It will kill 'you' - the thought that masquerades as You - and it will be the only death necessary. You are Life. This Life called Harry cheers on the Life called Dena. Namaste:)