The Trap of Perfectionism

Hi - my name is Dena, and I'm a recovering Perfectionistic Pharisee. :)

It sounds humorous, sure, but it dang nearly killed me ... whether it was the intense anxiety of striving to keep up high grades, or tormenting my body with two decades of bulimia ... I had it bad. The bulimia was healed, gloriously, nearly 9 years ago (I'll share that story another time) ... but the perfectionism continues to raise its ugly head from time to time. It tells me I'm not good enough as I am ... that I "should" be some other way, or "should" behave some other way.

Where I find it most devastating is in the guise of "being perfect for God." It sounds noble, no? It sounds like a good and holy endeavor... as if God Himself asks it of us ("be perfect, as I am perfect").

Problem is, He created us to be fallible...

I mean, think about it -- He had endless options at His disposal, being Creator and all. No one to answer to ... and He chose to create us as error-prone beings.

What makes us think then, that we should be perfect (really, we need to stop shoulding on ourselves and others - messy business!). It is ok to make mistakes. Really.

How can it *not* be ok to be one who errs, when, out of all the potential possibilities, that's the very way God made us...?

How angry and disgusted are we with our children, when, as they are learning to walk, they fall...?

Do we scream at them, blame them, kick them, shame them?

Or do we smile and laugh with delight, at their earnest efforts? Do we not KNOW that they will gradually become more adept, and thus treasure each precious stage of development?

If we, who err, can see our own children in this way, how much MORE so our Father in heaven, who is perfect...? (His ways are *higher* than our ways, not lower.)

Would He not smile indulgently at us, as we stumble, as we make mistakes and learn from them? Would He not know that we can learn and grow, as He leads us? Is not the very propensity for mistakes His own tool by which we learn? How can we know who we are, without experiencing who we're not...? How can the free-will-choice be instructive, unless we learn from the various consequences?

Are we, by calling ourselves "perfectionists", declaring ourselves to somehow be "above" His very plan for humans, thus exempt from His ways? Are we not denouncing and rejecting His very means of development, and thus *not* learning, but keeping ourselves stuck in our own self-declared perfectionist-limitations..?

It seems to me that to the degree we see ourselves judged and condemned by a demanding God, to that degree do we thus judge and condemn others ...

Do we truly believe that God would create us to be error-prone, and then blame and condemn us for being as He'd made us?!?

What if we have God, and thus ourselves (& each other), all wrong..?

Shalom, Dena

I'm learning a lot from some challenging situations lately ... that others really cannot hurt me ... that others' opinions are just that, and nothing more. And, perhaps most importantly, that if this message, that God loves and saves everyone, doesn't transform the way I see and experience and relate to others -- then it's worthless. If I allow myself to take offense at others, even when they're outright unkind, if I lash back with the same energy or dysfunction (i.e., my ego), then I become part of the problem. This has been hard, hard, hard, as I want to point out how *wrong* they are (which is precisely what they believe they're doing with me, LOL!). I like what Einstein says, "you cannot solve a problem with the same consciousness that caused the problem in the first place." I find that to be true...

So, this whole experience has been about transforming ME, and if anything I share is remotely helpful to someone else, perhaps in planting a seed, or in modeling that it's ok to question and explore, then that's a bonus.

I read something this morning that helps me understand this better:

So much of the lack of happiness that we feel in our lives emerges from our judgments. We tend to judge everything. The people around us, the circumstances they present, the events of the moment, and, of course, ourselves.

Some folks don't miss a single opportunity to get into their place of judgment. It's almost as if life itself is on trial. Constantly.

What is especially interesting about most human judgment is that people do not even use an objective measure with which to make their determinations. They mostly use a previous experience, their own ideas, their own "story" as a basis upon which to decide about another.

It never occurs to them, of course, that it could possibly be their experience, their ideas, their "story" that might be a bit askew. I've watched this from a distance enough to conclude that I am probably doing it, too - more than I realize. So, I've made a real effort to move into self-reflection as a replacement for judgment of others.

When I am tempted to be judgmental, I look inside to see when it was that I acted that way in my life, where it was that I produced such outcomes in my life, how it was possible that I made such mistakes in my life. Suddenly, compassion rushes in, pushing judgment aside -- and making condemnation impossible.

What I am saying here is that judgment has no place in a loving heart. Yet remember, judgment is not discernment, and observation is not judgment. It is perfectly healthy to be discerning, and it is perfectly natural to make an observation. An "observation" says "what's so." A judgment says "so what?"

Know that the twists and turns that remove us from the path that we thought we would be taking are not detours at all, but the fastest path from where we are to where we truly want to be -- otherwise we wouldn't be taking it.

Remember that very often when life seems to be falling apart, it may actually be falling together for the first time.

Trust that God knows what God is doing. Know that life is always conspiring in your favor. All things work together for your good... all things. For you are being transformed into the likeness of Christ.

And, if you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot...


Dare to pray:

Dear God, I thank you today for that which is in my world and in my life. I rest my heart in the knowing that I will yet see pain turn into joy, sorrow into gladness, and even death into everlasting life. Thank you for helping me to understand that this problem has already been solved for me. You are with me, even unto the end of time. As I experience the ever-present love of God, in me, I am becoming happier than I have ever been before. Thank You.

Shalom, Dena