I found myself writing this on Facebook last night:
It's official: I have NO clue what I "believe" anymore.
And I notice two things about that ...
I do not care.
I actually feel better - nearly giddy with relief - about not caring ...!
And, thus far, it's still true for today. ;)
It's been a long and winding road, out of religion ... through the morass of spirituality ... and into ... Life.
I mean, I don't know what else to call this ... I'm alive, I'm here, I'm having this experience ... so yeah, it's Life. It doesn't seem to care what I call it ... it just seems determined to be experienced.
I'm done. Done with externally-impositioned-or-invented mindsets (& just think about THAT word for a minute!) that tell me how/what/when/why to act, think, feel, believe, or BE...!
It strikes me as uberly-absurd to think that something outside of me could even possibly define me, or make me feel "ok", or dictate my life in any sort of way...!
This has been building up in me for a while now, but I'm coming out - I am just feeling so TIRED of the "search" ... wanting OUT. It's as if we searchers "take on" a spiritual perspective, and then we adhere to it, and try to live up to it, and it's just another externaly-imposed religion! ARGH!
Yeah, wanna just LIVE ... enJOY life fully .. and my "morality" is part of me ... it's about love, loving self, loving others ... it's who I AM ... don't need anyone/anything outside of me telling me how to do it ...
I'm tired of trying, and trying harder, and pretending to "get/have" something that I just want to "get/have", or think I'm supposed to "get/have" (as IF something is MISSING!) ... I feel like the kid who said, "The emperor has no clothes on!"
C'mon ... it's time to admit the dude is naked.
When I was a Christian, I was surrounded by folks who said they "had a personal relationship" with Jesus ... and that they "felt the Holy Spirit" ... and these folks would fall down like cord wood when someone put annoying oil - I mean, anointing oil - on their foreheads. How often was I the last-woman-standing ... feeling torn between a perverse sense of pride for not falling, and a horrible sense of deprivation that I hadn't fallen ...?
When I was searching for enlightenment, it was the same ... I have been surrounded by folks who claim to have a relationship with their Higher Self ... that they feel this person inside ... guiding them, leading them. These folks would chant, and hum, and rub crystals... how often was I the last-woman-sitting-cross-legged ... feeling torn between pretending I was being transported, and a horrible sense of deprivation that I hadn't been enlightened ..?
Now, I'm not saying that I didn't "get something" out of much of that ... not saying it wasn't valuable, not saying it wasn't valid/required ... I'm saying ... I'm tired.
I'm saying I'm tired of feeling like I'm "out" and they're "in" ... that they've "got something" and I'm "lacking something" ... I'm tired of chasing after something I'm not even sure is real ...
I *exhausted* myself, trying to FEEL Jesus, trying to FEEL my Higher Self ... crying out ... begging ... reading endless books ... praying/meditating my heart out ... trying to surrender enough, let go enough, denounce enough, release enough, confess enough, positive-affirm enough, think enough, unthink enough, be good enough, lose self enough, find self enough ... ENOUGH...!
I'm saying I don't know what I know, what I think, or what I believe.
I do have my experience ... I have had a wide array of uncanny, attention-getting, sit-up-and-take-notice, surreal, beyond-coincidental experiences ... things I can't explain, can't label, can't describe ... some I can't share.
But I am SO tired, of trying to "get it right" ... trying to adhere to some particular religion, or perspective, or formula, or book, or teaching, or group, or mindset, or expectation ...
I'm so tired of the message that there is a part of me to accept (Higher Self) and a part of me to reject (ego) ...
... there's just me.
I am all that.
I am a walking contradiction, a complex and confused full-throttle human ... I am up and down ... high and low ... quiet and loud ... hot and cold ... happy and sad ... accepting and resisting ... bitter and sweet ... mean and kind ... jubilant and despairing ... shadow and light.
I am all that.
Here's what I know ... from observation and experience:
I am alive. I am here, now. I am real.
I am apparently meant to live this life ...
I am to enJOY this life ... how could I MISS that obviousness?!?
Look around, look in, look up, look down - I see beauty all around me ... full-living-colored, myriadly-textured, awe-inspiring, senses-ravaging BEAUTY all around me!
I am covered, head-to-toe, with exquisitely~operational nerve endings that beg for stimulation ~ from warmth, to a tickle, to a caress, to a crescendo of passion ..!
I have taste buds, and olfactory nerves, and ear drums, and eyes that SEE ... all absorbing endless input!
I have a body that moves ... that can climb mountains, dance to rhythms that compel me, paint the images in my mind, and embrace those I love.
I have emotions that feel the FULL panoply of expression ... and they arise without being bidden.
I am here to LIVE, to enJOY, to participate in this sensory-playground of experience ... not to imitate the experience of any other - not to "get something right".
If this experience takes me deep into uncharted territory, whether the frontier's horizon be ahead of me, or within me - so be it.
If it takes me into the opportunity to splash and play in utter simplicity of the golden moment at hand, so be it.
So, I'm changing the spelling of believe ... for me, it's now spelled "Be/Live".
So be it.