Tuesday, November 2, 2010

For Those Who Know What I'm Talking About

I've shared so much of my life here ... including recent adventures, mis-adventures, and resulting heart-breaks. I've wallowed, and groused, and gushed, and belly-ached, and morosed and blathered, and generally foisted mine stuff all over tarnation, so it seems only right and fitting (despite not believing in right/wrong, and noting how not much fits), that I share an update ...

I know not everyone reads my meandering posts -- so I figure that those who need to, will find it.

It happened: I got over IT.

I didn't think it would happen ... there were dark, dark days in which I despaired of living, and honestly considered committing myself either to a nunnery or a lock-down. Days when I wanted to get in the car, drive 'til I couldn't drive any further, and just sit there. 'Til the thinking, then the breathing, stopped.

I heard all the (hollow-sounding) promises, that life would go on, that I'd find myself again (or perhaps for the first time?) ... that I'd feel again, that joy would return to me ... that I would wake up and smell life again. That I'd find mySelf (which, really, if you wanna know the truth, sounded like a second-rate consolation prize).

I didn't believe none of y'all ...! :P

Nope -- I figured I'd just end up turning my life into a monument for "gloom, despair, agony ... deep dark depression, excessive misery" ... (yes, I was forced to watch FAR too many "Hee-Haw" episodes as a child ... which may be the root of all my unresolved issues!).

But there's this irrepressible, indomitable, irresistible, inevitably-irreversible THING in me, that kept the spark of hope alive in my shattered heart ... I love life. I adore, appreciate, and absolutely APPLAUD this adventure called LIFE ...! All of it -- the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, the paths, the detours, the calms, the frenzies, the peace, the passion, the valleys, the mountains, the glorious-messes, the CLIFFS! You get the idea.

And that THING kept burning ... that ember wouldn't die out ... and as I moved forward (often in circles, sometimes crawling an inch at a time), and as I worked my butt off (where did it go?!?), I started noticing that I was noticing ... life around me.

Phoenixes rise out of ashes ... and love emerges out of broken hearts ... geodes crack open to reveal the hidden-beauty within ... until we're broken, we don't know what lies dormant within us ... and I'm so SO glad that I now know...!

I have NO regrets -- I'm extraordinarily grateful for what I've experienced ... the joy, the adventure, the fun, the fear-facing, the revelations, the risks, the pain -- YES, even the pain. Especially the pain. Even knowing what I would suffer, I would do it again. I am that grateful.

I discovered that I can do the unthinkable, and survive.

I discovered that I can face some of my worst fears, and survive.

I discovered that I can lost most of my friends, and survive.

I discovered that I can lose my entire reputation, and survive.

I discovered that I can feel horrendously alone, misunderstood, judged -- and survive.

I discovered that I can be brave enough to seek out my soul's purpose -- and THRIVE...!

In the very thick of that stage of this journey ... and it's amazing.

And ... I've only just begun!

Last night, standing in the middle of my kitchen, I was so overcome with gratitude for ALL of this, that I had to grab the counter ... my hand flew involuntarily to my mouth ... and my knees got so weak, that I had to sit down, right in the middle of the not-yet-swept floor, crumbs and all, and just breeeeeeeathe ...

I could only say, outloud, in a hushed, intense whisper, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you ...!" To the Universe/God/Source, to mySelf, to the one who was a catalyst, to the ones who have assisted me, and to a friend who emerged just when I needed them most ... to show me what I most needed to see.

I sat there in reverential awe ... hugging myself, rocking, tears streaming down my face ... but these were tears of overwhelming joy. I knew I was back ... that I'm Me ... that none of this was a mistake, but a profound orchestration for my soul's purpose ... that I can trust ... that I can live in joy ... that I can love, more than ever before.

So, thank you -- to each of you. You know who you are. I love you.

Shalom & Namaste ~
(the same, and yet forever-altered)


MysticBrit said...

Rock on, pal:) Now,I sense you'll embrace what's on the other side of IT with everything that you are, and no-one knows where that will lead, except that Life will happen, and gloriously.

Oh, and what have you been talking about these many months? I challenge you to summarise it in one paragraph;)

And I love you too, my friend.

Darcy said...