What I Said in Baytown ... (I *Think*!)

These things always begin with the very best of intentions ... my purpose is to deliver a message, to stay on topic, and to do so within the allotted timeframe.

I try ... really.

Not sure that I managed to accomplish any of that ... but I prepared, I showed up, I opened my mouth ... and then it's like I rode something that came through me ... or out of me, or both (hard to tell).

When all was said and done, I'm not sure I stayed on topic (unless the topic is "life"), and I sure 'nuff went over my time. By twenty minutes.

Ok, at least no one was looking at their watch, or catapulting rotten produce in my direction. From my vantage point, people were engaged, we were connecting, and something bigger than all of us happened. I call it good. And it's not that I'm so special (well, I am, but so is everyone else!) ... it's just that I'm willing to blurt. Even to be foolish. I highly recommend losing one's reputation -- very liberating!

So, I thought I'd try to relate what I said ... or at least what my notes indicate what I was *supposed* to say ... and what I vaguely remember saying ... and then I'll have to watch/listen to the recording, once the link becomes available (which, of course I shall foist - I mean *share*).

I started out with a couple of my most favorite, and most life-impacting, quotes (neither of which originated with me, both of which are, appropriately enough, anonymous):

"We turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to discover that it's God who's shaking them.

"The unanswered questions aren't nearly as dangerous as the unquestioned answers."

Yeaaaaaah. :)

I then said, "I stand before you, a woman in transition. If you've ever given birth, or attended a birth, you know that transition is the most uncomfortable, and even most frightening, part of the birthing process. It's where the woman says, "Kill me now - just get this over with!" Yes, fear is strong ... and yet, I have experienced that the most intense fear and pain occur right before new life emerges, making it all worthwhile! I notice that perfect loves casts out all fear, including, I believe, the fear of God -- which is merely the beginning of all wisdom -- not where we're meant to remain. We're meant to mature into perfect love.

"Take whatever the Spirit illumines to YOU in what I have to say here today. Never take another's word for your own. The Word of God, which was with God in the beginning, is not a black leather-bound collection of books ('twern't no Bibles with God in the beginning!). The Word of God is the Logos, the Dabhar, which is the essence of God, the nature of God, the activating Wisdom of God, that which spoke all into existence ... that which is the Still, Small Voice within you. Heed THAT."

I then shared a bit of my history ... well, it was supposed to be just a *bit*. Turned out being much more ... how my father came to know Christ ... how I became a follower of Jesus ... how I was the perfect child (cough-cough!) ... how I rebelled at age 18 (becoming bulimic, started drinking/drugging, became promiscuous) ... how I struggled for 21 years with that addiction... how I went from licentious to frigid within marriage ... how our marriage suffered ... how the children came (despite being medically impossible for me to conceive) ... how I endured the "seminary/ordination" years in our former church ... how I did my best to both recover from bulimia, AND conform to all the shoulds/oughts that were imposed on me from our church leadership ... and how I failed miserably all around, how my husband learned to love me withOUT expecting me to change -- and how I found true and permanent healing. I went into a lot more about my bulimic and sexual dysfunction than I had intended ... but it turned out to be something that others said they needed to hear (confirmed later). LOL, part of my brain was yammering, "Do you REALLY want to go into all of this?!? You've got a lot to unpack here!" I just kept on surfing ...

I dwelled a bit on the "Great Church Kick-Out" of 6 years ago ... and of the devastation/liberation I felt ... how I had the spiritual wind knocked out of me, and how I prayed my most desperate and most sincere prayer up to that point, "God, START ME OVER! I don't know what I believe anymore! Show me what's of man, and what's of God -- I want Truth at all cost!" When you pray that prayer, you're pretty much signing up for a wiiiiiild roller coaster ride. Buckle up, and hang on!

I then spoke of the succession of paradigm shifts that catapulted me from Fear to Love:

~ From Legalism to Grace (from the system of "measure-up" to trust).

~ From Self-despising to Self-LIKE (how astonishing to discover that God not only loves me, because He *has* to, but He LIKES me and made me as I am on *purpose*!).

~ From Hierarchy to Equality (in my marriage, with my children, with all others).

~ From the Institution to House Church (and we then thought "This is IT!" LOL! Silly us! You can get the person out of the institution, but it's a whole 'nother thing to get the institution out of the person!).

~ From only reading the Bible, to reading all manner of things ... enter: "The Shack". The experience of reading all of my own subversive thoughts on paper! Bless Paul Young! And bless his visit to our home in August of '07, when he said things that rocked my world, and launched me into the "beautiful heresy" (to coin a phrase from my friend Brian Smith - his blog link is to the left, hint-hint!).

~ From a traditional "hell" to ultimate reconciliation (i.e., "all saved"). This was a wrenchingly painful transition, in which I hugely feared being deceived, and prayed not to be, daily! I lost much sleep, half my hair, and nearly all my friends over this one! Whew!

~ From a futurist perspective ("Jesus will come back one day"), to an "all fulfilled" perspective. It was in being frustrated to discover that Preterists and Universalists despised each other (c'mon, dudes!), that I stumbled upon Presence, International (my peeps!). Their perspective of life is a catalyst to me feeling more alive than ever before!

[Note: during this time, I continuously asked for a "sign" that God was leading me ... and God kept graciously giving 'em to me! Some of them are uncanny ... I shared two of them with the group ...]

~ From "Satan" as personal being, to "satan" as the adversarial nature of our own ego (both individual ego and collective ego).

~ From the Bible as "the inerrant and infallible Word-a-God", to The Bible as the unfolding/progressive/evolutionary story of mankind (as it played out through the consciousness of Israel). I now see that the Bible is the "three steps forward - two steps backward" story of a people coming to know who God is. With experience trumping comprehension (though we've had a rude and stubborn penchant for doctrinalizing and dogmatizing some of those backward steps!). I see much of the Bible as written from the perspective of the ego -- with humans projecting their own insanity upon God, "God hath said." Oh really? Is that true? I've learned to go with the God I'm experiencing, rather than the god others have told me about.

~ From the sense of separation-from-God-and-all-others, to a sense of Oneness with all that IS. PanENtheism ... God in all, in everything, permeating all of creation (really, what did we think was sustaining us?). I don't see separation anymore ... thought I see that it's a normal perception of the spirit-man who is having a human experience. It's even a necessary stage of growth, of evolution if you will (let's redeem that word!). Thus, I no longer believe in the theory (theory!) of "original sin". Much of the Christian world never did buy into that concept...

~ From the perspective of living the "Christian Life" (which Jesus never mentioned), to the awareness of the "Abundant Life" (which Jesus said He came to bring). I actually believe that insisting on the former will keep one from experiencing the latter. I had to shed the former, in order to have the latter. Christ led me right out of Christianity ... it's my history/heritage (& I do not despise having been there, any more than a 6 yo should despise having been 5) ... but as I grew, it became too small, too tight, and it pinched. Had to shed it.

And throughout it all, it's been about moving from negativity/fear, into positivity/Love. Who knows what's next?!?

Well, what's next for blogging, is that I'll share how all of this affects my perspective/understanding of Jesus Christ. Stay tuned...!

Shalom, Dena

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way Out of Town..

Howdy y'all - I'm in a hotel room in North Little Rock, on Mark's laptop (he being my main squeeze and beloved compatriot in madcap adventures for the past 23+ years) ... fingernails sliding all over the keyboard, LOL!

Thought I'd give an update, sorta like "You Are There...!"

(Now I'm dating myself -- is that even allowed in Arkansas?!?)

We got up early yesterday, and settled the household (no easy feat), and drove up to the airport (1.5 hour drive). While in line for security, we talked about how Mark (a frequent flyer) always looks for Paul Young (author of "The Shack" - another frequent flyer, and a friend) ... I looked around, uncannily thinking that there was someone there I knew (found out later that a woman I knew in a "Shack" discussion group was there, way behind us -- she didn't want to holler, as TSA doesn't always take kindly to such disturbances, so she emailed me instead).

Our itinerary was plotted to give us a boring 2-leg flight, with a quick 45 minute layover in Denver.

However, in Denver, we learned that we had an unexpected 3-hour layover, due to a mechanical failure -- the door wouldn't shut. Lessee .... waiting 3 hours for a door that will shut vs. flying immediately and being sucked out of the plane ..? Ok! My first thought was a flash of annoyance at the inconvenience, but quickly morphed into, "Hmmm... I wonder what manner of adventure God has in store for us here?" Looking around, I made quick note of a Jewish man (clearly an observant Jew) within striking range, as well as a young man who looked remotely like Chris Rock ... I kept stealing glances at him, but had to quit, lest he think I was on the prowl (well, I was, but of a spiritual nature!).

But first on the agenda - a potty-break. En route back from the restroom (wherein nothing adventurous occurred), I saw a man reading "The Shack" - near the beginning. I bee-lined over to him, and asked if he was enjoying it. Recovering from being startled by this stranger swooping down upon him, he smiled and said it seemed good -- had picked it up for some "light reading" while flying - bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! Man, had God pulled a fast one on him, or what? I encouraged him to keeeeep reading, and to not stop 'til he was IN the Shack! I noticed that when I went for potty-break #2, that he was no longer there; whether he got on a flight, or was hiding from me, I shall never know...

Back in my seat, I asked the Jewish man if he was heading home, or away -- he said home ... that he had missed his previous flight, and now had to wait another hour for his next connection. He's living in Philly, but is originally from Iran ... he fled right before the Shah was disposed. The conversation went from there ... about Mark being Jewish, about leaving church, about how he (our Iranian/Philadelphian friend, not Mark) had to pretend to be Muslim (including learning the Qur'an) as a boy, in order to survive ... about religion vs. relationship ... about how to relate to God in various ways ... after a couple of hours, he told me that I was a rare soul, who dares to think and believe, and that I clearly practiced the "religion of God" (high complement from this gracious and grace-filled man). We exchanged email addresses, and book recommendations, and then he realized that our chat had caused him to miss his connection - again! Now he had to wait another five hours! I apologized profusely, but he smiled and said, "it's the will of God - this was very worth it." I plan to stay in touch with him...

We then had to board or own flight (door intact - yeah!), and flew to Little Rock ... at the baggage claim, I noticed the same Chris-Rock-look-alike standing next to me (providentially) ... since we had about 15 minutes to kill, I asked him where he was from (Medford Oregon, where I lived in 2nd grade - likely before he was born!) ... asked him what he did there. Turns out he's a comedian (but of course!), en route to a comedy show here in Arkansas ... he gave me a business card, and I told him that when he's famous, I'm gonna get rich auctioning it off on eBay -- no pressure or anything! He laughed and said he doesn't sweat it, that he just enjoys what he does, and doesn't worry ... I said, "well, when you're at peace with life, good things come to you," He brightened up, yelped, "I'm glad you said that," and pulled out one of Eckhart Tolle's new books from his bag ... I mention that I loved "The Power of Now" which he then produces out of his jacket (like a shady salesman, LOL!), dog-eared and clearly read repeatedly ... so we launch into a nice chat about new awarenesses, and growing up within Christianity ... how we've shifted -- LOL! What fun conversations! What adventure! I also told him about "The Shack" (which someone had recommended to him the other day, but of course!), and how it would bring the whole package of his childhood faith, and what he's now learning ... full circle fullness.

Wonder what other manner of adventures God has yet-in-store for me here...?

Enjoying life wide-eyed, and open-armed ...

Shalom, Dena