She Emerges...!

Sooooooo very much to say, and it's so difficult to figure out a coherent, clarity-enhanced way to begin ... so, I won't. For now.

Updates will come forth, as they become clear to me ...

I'm currently on a private, personal retreat ... a time of soul-searching, in the coastal range of Oregon ... in a lovely and quirky cabin in the woods, surrounded by nature, totally alone, for the first time in my entire life (!), without a schedule, without the pressing needs/wants of others ... seeking to hear the Voice within, rather than heeding the many (many!) voices without.

Obviously, I have my laptop ... as I trust that the Voice can use all manner of media to speak ... it's my job to discern what's for me, and what's not. This morning, I found (or received) a video that I feel compelled to share ... none of it is new to me, but I'm hearing many things in new ways.

May this speak to you, any or all of you, in whatever way that most fits where you now are. May we all SEE all that there is to see, as we can ...



Shalom, Dena

On Love ...

Time, both a precious commodity, and an illusion, is getting away from me lately ... and so I'm resorting to sharing the words of another ... in this case, the words of Osho. Words which truly *must* be shared. Words I am internalizing, and words I invite you to taste for yourself ...

The Alchemy of Love

Love is divine. If anything is divine on the earth, it is love - and love also makes everything else divine. Love is the true alchemy of life, because it transforms base metal into gold.

There are ancient stories, many stories in almost all the languages of the world, that somebody kisses a frog and the frog becomes a prince. The frog had been cursed; he was simply waiting for some kiss to be showered on him. He was waiting for love to come and transform him.

Love transforms - that is the message of all those stories. The stories are beautiful, very indicative, symbolic. It is only love that transforms the animal into human; otherwise there is no difference between humans and other animals. The only difference, the possible difference, is love. And the more you live through love, as love, the more humanity is born in you. The ultimate, the omega point, is when one has become love. Then not only is the animal transcended, even the human is transcended. Then one is divine, one is God. The whole of human growth is love's growth. Without love we are animals. With love we are humans. And when love has become your natural being, your very flavor, you are God.

Wild

Love is wild, and the moment one tries to domesticate it, it is destroyed.

Love is a whirlwind of freedom, of wildness, of spontaneity.

You cannot manage love and control it. Controlled, it is dead. Love can be controlled only when you have already killed it. If it is alive, it controls you, not otherwise. If it is alive, it possesses you. You are simply lost in it, because it is bigger than you, vaster than you, more primal than you, more foundational than you.

In the same way God also comes. The same way love comes to you, God comes. God is also wild, wilder than love. A civilized God is no God at all. The God of the church, the God of the temple is just an idol. God has disappeared from those places long ago, because God cannot be imprisoned. Those places are graveyards of God.
If you want to find God, you will have to be available to the wild energy of life. Love is the first glimpse, the beginning of the journey. God is the climax, the culmination, but God comes as a whirlwind. It will uproot you, it will possess you. It will crush you to pieces. It will kill you and resurrect you. It will be both - the cross and the resurrection.

Breathing that in ...

Shalom, Dena

Renaissance ...

Some thoughts on what I've been reading lately ... compiled and observed in several different reSources:

Most folks feel it ... some deny it ... some dismiss it ... many embrace it ... and no one can stop it.

What it it? A spiritual renaissance.

We who embrace it are a mixed group ... even a motley crew, LOL! We don't necessarily have credentials (though some do), and most of us don't wear the same labels ... in fact, most of us eschew the notion of labels at all. We're not known by being "against" anything ... we're open to pretty much anything, for we trust that all is good, and all is fodder for learning. We're drawn by something that's both within, and all around ... something irresistible ... something that some of us even formerly feared.

It's based on love. Not love defined by humans, not love that's limited, boundrified, confined, or shackled. But love that seeks to replace an old, repressive order. Love that breaks down barriers. Love that includes.

It's a love that leads humanity to seek it's Source. The center. For, living on the surface is just so not working anymore... at least, not for those who heed the music of the renaissance.

This love is God's love ... and as we receive it, fully, wholly, unreservedly and unconditionally, we respond to that love, and we can't help but impart it to others. And in doing so, we bring healing and repair to this world.

It allows us to look around, to take inventory, and to recognize that we have created a mess, in our collective way, and it allows us to take responsibility for this mess, by taking more seriously our individual contributions. In this way, we discover, perhaps to our shock and delight, that personal transformation can, and does, have a global impact.

It's not about looking for more ground to conquer, or more people to influence, or more doctrinal wars to win ... it's about finding a truer ground of being, within ourselves, upon which to stand. The post pivotal transformations of this time, are the internal ones. This is an inner drama, not an outer war. Even if our eyes are closed shut, and the Light isn't seen, it continues to work the magic of transformation.

People everywhere, in all walks of life, are heeding this renaissance calling ... men and women are allowing themselves to shed what doesn't fit, and to become more authentic and powerful. We are allowing for new perspectives, in a way that embraces both our human weaknesses, and our divine gifts.

We're learning to embrace that which is most truly essential: our passion, our intuition, our sacredness, our vision, our ability for true healing. We can no longer afford to let ourselves be controlled by our own thoughts, by institutions, and by all sorts of formerly-acceptable (and well-defended) illusions.

We see control for what it is, no matter how carefully crafted as "concern" or "wisdom" or "guidance." We rise up against that which tries to usurp our own innate authority, even as we resist the temptation to seize control over the soul of any other. We see how this society, this culture in which we live, is the most controlled society yet -- for we see how the soul, how autonomy, have been grossly peripheralized and marginalized ... and even demonized -- out of abject fear of who we really are.

We're waking up to realize that we're really not crazy after all ... no matter what's been previously put on us. We see that word-curses, and pronouncements, and declarations that were flung onto us, really have no power, except for the power that we allow. And we no longer allow it. We realize that all it takes to find our soul, is to begin the search ... and the finding is inevitable. And once we find it, we are Home. And no matter where we go, or what we do, in this material realm, we never leave Home.

We see that a game has been going on ... and the agenda of the game has been to keep us from searching ... to lull us into complacency ... to mesmerize us into accepting status quo. We were distracted, given insane busy-work, and it all served to invalidate our own personal radar. We learned, incrementally, to not trust ourselves. Yes, we had our birthright stolen, by those who had theirs stolen ... ad infinitim ... while thinking they were doing the best for us.

They were mistaken ... but we can wake up, and reclaim who we really are.

There's no one to blame ... but much to be responsible for.

Starting with this: HOW do I want to live the rest of my life? Who or what is stopping you? And why are you allowing that? Whose life is it, anyway..?

It's time to finally respect ourselves enough, at long last, to know that we know what we know. Down deep. Where it's Real. We can finally have the conviction that our heart, and not our mind, is the Light of the world. Have we not yet realized how the heart goes insane without the heart's guidance and foundation...? What more evidence do we need?

We are in the process of giving birth to the people we are truly created to be.

And trust me ... I know that transition sucks. I also know that it's critical. And precious.

We can declare our own emancipation proclamation, as we let go of that which is not us. We can sign our own declaration of independence from the ways of war and control. And we can discover, first-hand (oh yes you will!), just how treasonous Love is, to the way this world operates.

We always have a choice, no matter what the situation is, between love and fear. Always. All Ways.

Shalom, Dena

Are You an Existensialist?

I don't normally do this, but really, what the heck is *normal*?!?

I think I gave it up for Lent, I mean Life...!

But a friend just sent this to me, and it screams "blog post"! It's beyond timely, and so, of course, I share:

Are You an Existentialist?

By Alexander Green

I recently received a letter from an Atlanta Falcons player who told me he quit the NFL not long after reading my book The Secret of Shelter Island.

"I realized I was living someone else's dream, not mine," he said. "The truth is I haven't enjoyed football since high school."

Some might be surprised that anyone would walk away from all that money and celebrity. But perhaps he's an existentialist. They recognize the dangers of living an inauthentic life.

Who, exactly, are the existentialists and what do they know? Existentialism is a philosophical movement that came about in the late 19th century. It is not some abstract set of theoretical truths. Rather it is a no-nonsense philosophy that encourages you to take a hard look at your life and ask two essential questions: Who am I and how shall I live?

Its goal is to awaken us from our slumber, have us grab life by the lapels and start living authentically. Unfortunately, there is no particular school that offers a systematic account of existentialism. Its founders were fierce individualists who avoided labels, detested "isms," and refused to be lumped into any group.

So there is no grand philosophical system here. Essentially, existentialism exists at the intersection of the essays of Friedrich Nietzsche and Jean-Paul Sartre, the novels of Albert Camus and Fyodor Dostoevsky, the religious writings of Soren Kierkegaard and Paul Tillich, and the plays of Harold Pinter and even William Shakespeare (particularly Hamlet and King Lear). Clearly, existentialism is older than the term itself. The philosophy is based on six general themes:

1. Acceptance of the Absurd. Each of us drops unexpectedly into this world, in a universe where time -- at least as we know it -- has no beginning, space no end, and life no pre-set meaning. It is an inexplicable mystery. This realization is hardly new, of course. Ecclesiastes kicks off with the words "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. What does man gain from all his labor and toil here under the sun?" (Ecclesiastes 1:2-3). Existentialists believe that it's only when you confront the fundamental absurdity of life that you begin to live honestly.

2. Personal Freedom. Life itself may be meaningless, but you give it meaning when you begin making important choices. These, in turn, reveal who you are. With freedom of choice, however, comes responsibility. Taking ownership of your decisions means not blaming your parents, your spouse, your teachers, or anyone else for the shape of your life. More responsibility brings greater freedom. And with it: hope.

3. Individualism. Existentialists are keenly aware that society continually pulls us toward conformity. There are immense social pressures to go along, get along, and live pretty much like everyone else. Existentialists challenge you to buck conventional wisdom, express your true nature, and follow your dream, whatever that may be.

4. Authenticity. Most people are so consumed by desire, guilt, fear, or anxiety about what other people think that they find it almost impossible to follow their true calling. However, it's only when you begin to do what you want -- and not what others expect -- that you begin to live authentically. But expect resistance. Institutions want to mold you. Other people want you to go on their trip. It's far easier to live unthinkingly as part of the crowd. Yet authentic individuals are in control of their own lives.

5. Passion. Being passionate and engaged is crucial. This doesn't mean acting crazy or hysterical. Quite the opposite, in fact. Existentialists believe you should devote yourself to a cause, one that you're willing to organize your life around, perhaps even die for. For Kierkegaard, that passion was the pursuit of truth. For others, it may be artistic expression, healing the sick, or building a business that employs hundreds and serves thousands. In all walks of life, you'll find that passionate men and women are more purposeful.

6. Acceptance of Death. Life is finite. Yet existentialists don't see this as a reason for pessimism. Facing death is what forces you to take life seriously, use your time wisely, and make meaningful choices. It should invigorate your life. As the character Andy puts it in The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living or get busy dying."

Nietzsche, the philosopher most closely associated with existentialism, refers to it as the noble ideal. Your life, he argues, is an unwritten book that only you can write. Or, he says, visualize your life as a kind of artistic project, except that you are both the sculptor and the clay. This concept runs throughout existentialist works.

Martin Heidegger counsels us to learn to "dwell poetically." Kierkegaard says "to exist is an art." All existentialists agree that life has the meaning you choose to give it. Sartre even declared that man is "nothing else but what he makes of himself." This view is fairly widespread in the West today. But it was once considered revolutionary.

The Catholic Church, for instance, decided that Sartre's ideas were so dangerous that it placed his entire works on the Vatican Index of Prohibited Books -- including those he hadn't yet written! Ideas can be dynamite. And the proclamation that you should live your life on your own terms rather than according to the dictates of an institution was explosive. Perhaps that's why existentialism is called the philosophy of freedom.

No matter how things stand in your life, you choose how to interpret your situation. You choose how to respond to it. Even if you do nothing, you still have made a choice. There is no escaping the consequences of your actions -- or your inaction. This makes some people profoundly uncomfortable, of course. They don't like facing up to the world as it is. They don't want responsibility. It's easier to blame others, circumstances, or "the breaks."

Existentialism, however, is known as "the no-excuses philosophy." You may be old. You may be broke. You may be sick. But existentialists say you start from where you are and move forward.

How? By accepting responsibility and making choices.

This isn't always easy. Pursuing authenticity requires relentless self-examination. It exposes you to things about yourself that you may not want to know. It may cause discomfort or friction with others. But inauthentic lives, by comparison, are shallow, trivial, and unsatisfying. They are often marked by the dogged pursuit of material goods, social status, or the approval of others.

In many ways existentialism is a return to the roots of philosophy, a return to the ancients' concern with truth, virtue, and the art of living well. Existentialism offers a guide to the perplexed. It shows us not just how to live, but how to flourish, how to create meaning in a senseless world. Those who reject this philosophy often do so not because they don't understand it but because they can't face it. And that's unfortunate.

Existentialism provides a practical way of thinking about the world. It offers personal freedom and empowerment. It is a path to dignity and nobility. An existentialist doesn't live as though he has forever, frittering away his time and putting off until "someday" the things he really wants to do. He or she recognizes that each day, each moment, is precious and irreplaceable.

Are you an existentialist? Only you can say, of course. But perhaps you should be. Carpe diem.

Umm ... shall I let the cat out of the proverbial bag? Despite my innate distaste for labels, according to the above-description yes, I am an existentialist.

Shalom (& Namaste!) ~
Dena

Would You Believe This Post is About Suffering...?

First ... I want to thank everyone who has responded from such a place of love and acceptance. My heart is grateful ... In the past, I was certainly less than gracious and loving with those who I deemed to be "sinful". I'm grateful for who I've become (or who is being revealed, as that which is not-me is being shed). I'm grateful that we do indeed transform ... that we are here to learn ... and that nothing is ever, not *ever*, thwarted.

I'm watching a miracle unfold in my household ... and we're all, including Mark, astonishingly grateful for it. How the miracle manifests ... how this completely unfolds, remains to be seen. But we're trusting that we'll ALL be seeing together. Even in joy.

Meanwhile ... I'd like to get back to the book that I was led to read as this was happening ... and which Mark is now reading. And, I find it fascinating that the very next part of this book is about suffering ... coincidence? I think not...

Because much is going on here, and time is currently a precious commodity, I'm going to "cheat" and merely quote a bit from DeMello here ...

To what do you identify yourself? To what do you cling? You know what's going to happen ... you're going to cling to them, you're going to be worried that they may fall apart, and that's where your suffering comes in. "If you're suffering, you're asleep." Do you want a sign that you're asleep? Here it is: You're suffering. Suffering is a sign that you're out of touch with the truth. Suffering is given to you that you might open your eyes to the truth, that you might understand that there's falsehood somewhere, just as physical pain is given to you so you will understand that there is disease or illness somewhere. Suffering points out that there is falsehood somewhere. Suffering occurs when you clash with reality. When your illusions clash with reality, when your falsehoods clash with truth, then you have suffering. Otherwise, you have no suffering.

Whew...!

Taking this in ...

Shalom, Dena

Labels, Schmabels...!

"Don't seek the truth; just drop your opinions."
(some old, and likely dead, Zen master)

Really, we can drop our theories now. Truth isn't something we search for ... it just is. And if we stop being opinionated, so infatuated with what we think we know, truth finds us. If we drop the labels, we run smack-dab into truth.

So, what's a label? Anything other than "human being."

What do you call others? Man, woman, child, idiot, beurocrat, infidel, heretic, Presbyterian, friend, lawyer, enemy...? Maybe you're aware of this ... maybe you see that you put labels on others.

And are you aware that you put labels on yourself?

What do you say, to yourself, following these words: "I am ..."?

I am what? What do you say to yourself? How are you labeling yourself?

Here are some of my own, from the past (that which was previously perceived as true, but that which I now know to be lies):

I am a failure. I am an imposter. I am a liar. I am depraved. I am inferior. I am overlooked. I am less-than. I am overbearing. I am an embarassment. I am worthless.

Yeah, it was a dark and hopeless world I once lived in ...

And now, here are some of the things that follow my "I am's" ~

I am happy. I am alive. I am irrepressible. I am curious. I am kind. I am enthusiastic. I am vibrant. I am valuable. I am valued. I am gifted. I am intense. I am awakening. I am loved. I am mySelf.

Do you see the power of those words, "I am"...? What follows becomes your reality.

So, tune in to your out-loud and inner-whispered self-talk ... what are you saying about yourself? Are you seeing who you really are, or are you choking yourself with labels?

Labels, schmabels...!

You really can drop your theories, now.

Shalom, Dena

Very Personal Update ...

The blog posts that have been coming out this week were written in advance, as this was a week of preparation for an art show.

However, this has become another sort of week.

And it's time to put words to what's happening.

'Tis time, to break this silence.

Something big, no, huge ... is happening in my life, and our family. Some people know, and others do not ... and others have heard bits and pieces, and may have been forming their own conclusions.

This, being a blog, is not the place for me to go into deep details ... but this, being a place where I do connect with others, is a place to share what I can, while honoring others involved.

This is a challenge, the biggest challenge, to this marriage. And it's by my doing. I make no excuses, justifications, or rationalizations -- there's just what IS. While I've not *done* anything ... my heart has become connected to another, in a way that brings me joy, and yet which brings great pain to my husband, to our children, and to those who know and love us. Yes, I feel deep love for another man. I have carried this a long while, denying it to myself ... and very recently, just this week, spoke out the truth ... the truth about what's happening to me, and about what has been painful in our marriage. I tried, with everything in me, to wait until after our daughter, Micaela's wedding next month. But I am not duplicious, and it was killing me ... if I had withheld any longer, it would've done physical harm.

Don't get me wrong -- this marriage has been magnificent ... it's all everyone has seen. But, there have also been deep places of pain ... in which both of us have felt very stuck. Hear me here: this is NOT about any failing on Mark's part ... anyone who knows Mark, even remotely, knows what an amazing man he is. I know NO one who knows him, who does not love and admire him. And that very much includes me.

Now, I know all the typical scenarios of how to paint "this" ... trust me, I spent years advising and counseling others in "how to deal with this." I know the normal course of action, and I know what others expect this to look like. We are getting all manner of advice, from people who are in a paradigm that we no longer live in. It is appreciated, knowing the intent behind it ... but it simply does not fit who we are any longer.

In case no one has noticed, this family simply does not do "normal". And, quite frankly, we are thrilled to be out of the confines of "normal." Without exception. We have been, together, walking out a path of normality-alteration. Everything, but only everything, that we formerly thought/knew/believed has been radically altered.

So, it would be a mistake for anyone to assume that the way we go from here, will in any way resemble normalcy.

This is day 5 of The Big Deal. Under normal circumstances, any other husband would've done the "tough love" thing. I "should" be kicked out, the locks "should" be changed ... the children "should" be protected from me. There "should" be yelling, and fighting, and defending, and accusations, and all manner of shaming and condemning.

There is none of that. Yes, there is pain -- immense pain. Yes, there was/is shock. Yes, there is uncertainty.

BUT -- whether anyone can possibly believe it or not, there is tremendous LOVE happening here, in this household. Mark sees me, deeply. He understands why this happened ... he does not blame me (and neither is HE to blame -- this is NOT about any sort of "inadequacy" on Mark's part!). This is not about "right/wrong" for us -- we are out of that paradigm. This is about "what works/what doesn't work."

Mark is tapping into a deep Source of Love, that is beyond comprehension ... this cannot be fathomed with the mind. This is not logical. This is not conventional. And it's absolutely undeniable. He wants me to stay, even while we are in limbo, about how this will play out, in the tangibles. He refuses to allow me to be shamed, condemned or even spoken-against, by anyone. He has made it clear -- if anyone wants to get to me, they have to go through him first. This is his doing ... this cannot be manipulated, and I lack that power, that ability. I don't do manipulation anymore ... it's not who I am, who I have become.

I have not asked for this ... I was prepared to leave. He gives me this, this total acceptance, love, and even protection, out of this reservoir of Love. Yes, he's in pain ... yes, I'm in pain, yes, the children are in pain ... but we're ALL seeing Something operating here ... Something Huger than all of this ... Something transformational ... Something that is simplifying life into the bare essential, of Love.

A love that excludes no one ... a love that includes all. ALL. A love that bypasses labels, and symbols, and concepts, and even understanding. A Love that is having It's way with us.

I recognize that, coming from me, from the one who has likely now lost all credibility with anyone who's reading this ... that this sounds uber-absurd. Ultimate rationalization. Selfish justification. I get that. I'm willing to let that be. What others think of me is really none of my business ... and I'd rather be loathed for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Mark, and the children, and I ... are astonishingly coming to the place where we are not only accepting of what is, but are seeing the good in what is happening (each one in their own way, in their own timing). Even if no one else on this planet sees it, accepts it, or gets it (really, we've kind of gotten used to that ...!). No one here can deny the love we see unfolding ... and we are TRUSTing that the outcome of this will be good for all. ALL. We are walking this out together, one day at a time, trusting as we go, loving as we go, being enlarged by this Love as we go.

Mark was just here, as I was typing this out ... and he wants me to let everyone know that if anyone doubts where *he* is on this, how *he* sees this, and is experiencing this, that you can contact him directly ... his email is mbrehm@cusa.canon.com

Additionally, he wants to convey that this is what love does. He simply cannot fathom how love could turn against one who is loved. Guilt, and condemnation have no place in love. Ego is that which self-protects and attacks ... that is not possible with love. Love is that which is revealed, when the illusions are stripped away.

He just looked me in the eye, seeing me as I AM ... and said, "You are good. I see you, and you are GOOD."

That's what love looks like. And I am blown away by this depth of Other-Love.

For now, that's all I have to say ... on Day 5, as we walk this out. There is joy in this house. I am smiling ... Mark is smiling. The children are smiling. Love expands.

Uncanny, unlikely, even preposterous ... but nevertheless Real.

Expect the unexpected ...

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena