(moment of silence for all the resonating "duh's"...)
A heated discussion about "purity" came up on Facebook, about the value of "waiting 'til marriage" ... and "holding out for purity" ... and all manner of other expectations that we have, culturally and variously, about the "shoulds" of sex. Not only "shoulds" prior to marriage/partnership, but within it to ... expectations, fears, shame, insecurities, rejection, control, manipulation, punishment, rules, restrictions, limitations ... all of which limits who we are, and how we can freely express that.
It was asked: Why is sex the one natural drive that we are supposed to suppress?
I ask: who came up with this notion of "purity" ... what does it really mean, is it valid, or an archaic-and-now-obsolete concept, and does it have ANYthing to do with humans in the first place...? AND, how can we guide our children through this morass, particularly when we're navigating those waters ourselves...?
Sooooo ... my (randomly-meandering) thoughts:
"Purity" is a false standard based on the erroneous belief that something is wrong/tainted about us, and that sex is dirty (think of our words, "your mind is in the gutter"). Why would we not, instead say, "my mind was just soaring the heights"...?
We do this, because we FEAR the raw power of sex (women have been taught to fear losing control, surrendering ... & men have been taught to fear and suppress the sexual capacity/power of women, for millennia). We fear the vulnerability of exposing ourselves ... of being naked before another - not just in the exposure of our body, but in baring our hearts, minds, souls, shadows, secrets ... those deep places that we both fear to expose, and yet LONG to expose. Ah, that hunger to see and be seen ... and to risk the pain of rejection, in order to experience an accepting-connection.
We have been trained to be "destination-focused" in sexuality, rather than "journey-focused" ... going after that orgasmic-prize ... so we trade in the present-moment joy, in pursuit of a goal (of course, we do this with the totality of life).
Sexuality, as I see and experience it, is our primary energy, as humans ... and it totally merges with our spirituality -- we are both divinity and humanity (think of upper/"heavenly" and lower/"earthly" chakras; and they *meet* at the heart). My sexuality IS my spirituality; the divine/human-dichotomy that enables me to be alive. ALL life begins with an orgasm - no exception. Making love to another human being, with whom my heart is connected is THE most spiritual thing I can do with my body. It is THE most transformative healing-tool on the planet (for authentic intimacy will bring up *every* thing within me that "objects" and says I am not worthy of such a beautiful experience). It is THE most intimate and powerful way of expressing love to another.
It does NOT require a judge's signature, or a pastor's homily, or the exchange of rings, or the recitation of vows, or ANY aspect of the humanly-invented institution we call "marriage" to render us "pure" or to give us *permission* to do that which our bodies were clearly designed/created/intended to DO.
What I want most, for me and for my children, is to find a partner with whom they are matched and connected (heart/mind/soul/body), and to explore the beauty of sexuality with an open heart, an eager soul, a free mind and an enraptured body, and to enJOY every possible nuance of that experience.
Only they (& each one of us) knows when that has happened. Only they truly know when they are ready. And yes, it may, like all other learning-experiences (from walking to working, to mastering a new skill) require a great deal of trial and error (i.e., "mistakes" - THE vehicle by which we learn ANYthing), to discover who they are, who they are not, what they want, what they do not want. WithOUT the burden of shame, judgement and punishment.
What if true "purity" is the commitment to authentically be who we are?
It starts with the basics (what I tell myself, my children, anyone else): love yourself (without which you cannot love another); know yourself; trust yourself; honor yourself and the other; be responsible and response-able; communicate openly; express uninhibitedly; indulge lavishly; be aware and wise about that small window of time in which pregnancy can occur, so act accordingly. Learn what pleases you, and what pleases the other, laugh, play, explore, and dance that beautiful, powerful, reciprocally-mergering, giving-and-receiving blur-dance of uberly-utter BLISS-out, because you were *made* to do so...! *~YES!!!!~*
(that had a lovely crescendo-effect, as I got caught up in what I was writing ... not unlike the energy of sexuality, itself! Whew! Now I want to cuddle!)