Sunday, January 20, 2013

You May Be Right ... I May Be Craaaaaazy ...!

I don't know about the rest of you, but there are times when I seriously question my sanity. My mind is a scary place in which to be. It is always *ON* ... not only can I not find the off-button, but I am totally devoid of a dimmer-switch. My kingdom for a mute button...
So, I am inviting you into the deep, dark and cacaphonic world of My Mind ... dare, if you will, to enter the realm of my rawly-exposed thoughts, as I free-form them out of the inner-realm onto the "paper" of my blog (like "verbulimia" ... purging of verbiage).
Here's what I can "hear" inside ... over the course of moments, to hours, to days, at a time (& seemingly triggered by nothing-in-particular):
Oh god, I am so scared ... I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared ... what if I don't make it? ... what if I lose everything I haven't yet-lost ... what if magical-thinking doesn't work, and affirmations are shit, and we're all just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic ... what if I end up as a bag-lady under a bridge ... ok, breeeeeeeeathe -- what the fuck were those exercises I'm supposed to do when I get overcome with fear?!? ... damn, I can't remember... I really oughta have a poster on my wall for times like this (i.e., "When Discombobulated, Do the Following Three Simple Things") ... something about being in the moment, but this is a really shitty sort of moment, so why would I want to BE here ... I'd rather be somewhere ELSE, somewhere happy, but that's just a game ... what if it's ALL a game ... what if we're all just making this up as we go (which really, I can see that could/would be a *good* thing) ... what if NO one has a clue about what they're doing, and I'm sitting here comparing my insides to their outsides ... no WONDER I fall short ... what if no one ELSE knows what they're doing, either, and we're all wearing masks and pretending and hoping to god that no one figures out we're all a bunch of impostors ... so why ARE we playing this game - can we get REAL already ... but what would that look like... oh crrrrrrAP, what if they DO know what they're doing, and it's only ME who doesn't - yikes! ... and my only hope is to keep dancing frenetically to dazzle 'em & distract me ... I am SO tired of pretending (only, really ... if I could pretend better, it might make life easier), so tired of trying so hard to get on and stay on the very treadmill I got catapulted OFF of ... so what IS the answer, then ... why did my life end up like this ... have I totally fucked up everything, beyond repair ... but I couldn't stay IN it, and it's not l like I didn't try my hardest to "get it right" ... and it wasn't working, and this is how it went ... ok, I know I did the best I could have, with what I knew and believed at the time, every step of the way ...I GET that ... but wow, this hurts ... is THIS the magical "moral of the story of the life of Dena" that makes my story a gripping, edge-of-the-chair page-turner? ... people are gonna want a refund for THIS book, sheesh ... I keep wondering if I should just cash out, and take off, and disappear, and find someplace where I can just start over, where no one knows me, or my history, or the rumors, and I can just be me, and they can take me as I am ... or maybe be a gypsy and just keep moving and I could wear really cool hippie clothes (of course, I could do that NOW, because I have those clothes - I really oughta wear 'em more often), and live in a treehouse, and FINALLY learn to play my languishing guitar, and paint and do collages, & mosaics in strange places, and write/recite/dance poetry, and grow my own veggies, and milk goats, and dance naked in the woods ... but I want to stay connected with the people I love, even if I'm not smack-dab-with-them, even when some of them forgot they love/loved me (but honestly, I could do most of that here/now, so why AREn't I?!? Ok, I might have to settle for vacuuming naked, rather than dancing naked in the woods) ... {looking out window at people passing by} ... so what are they doing? and where are they going? ... how is it that others just go about the business of doing-life, and it looks so simple for them (secretly wondering if they're just going through the motions, only THEY don't have THIS kind of rambling brain that makes them question everything and therefore get all angsty and antsy and disgruntled and discombobulated - maybe they were in the "stupid-happy line" ... damn, got to make a note to get IN that line next time) ... but they seem to be living some sort of semblance of a life (or are they just ok with going through the motions?), and I'm sitting here feeling stuck, and wondering what's WRONG with me ... I used to feel competent and confident and expansive and eternal and OPTION-LADEN, but was that just because I was taken care of, and someone else had to contend with bills and provision, and now it's just me with NO safety-net, and NO clue, and NO resume, and NO job-skills ... and ohhhhhh god the yukky feeling of getting stuck in a meaningless-mundane job, and going through the motions (going to work to make the money to pay the bills so I have a place to live so I can go to work and make the money to pay the bills ...) and wondering "is THIS all there IS?!?" ... like I'm terminally-cursed with the "you have so much potential" expectation ... so what are my options, really ... sit here, blogging and attempting to paint, and waiting for something magical to drop into my lap (even though something actually did) ... or is something magical/providential/provisional REALLY en route, and I just have to be open about it, rather than grousing about how it must've ended up in Duluth instead of Dallas (Oregon, y'all, not Texas; it's the little-d) ... and then there's the question of why I am here, in Dallas, where everyone is conservative and/or Christian, and how I didn't fit in here even *when* I was a Christian and voted Republican (oh, Goddess forgive me!) ... and I sure as heck don't fit here NOW ... but my kids are here, and I do love my purple Victorian-former-bordello-haunted-by-the-Madam-who-might-be-me-reincarnated ... and it's such a *cute* little town, and safe, and adorable, with a fabulous downtown that has SUCH potential (ha! like me!) ... and I know that everything that happens is valid and required, and what we resist persists, and that I need to accept and gooooooo with the flooooooooow (not "goo" but "go", in case you're wondering, but goo is good, too), and I sense that SOMEthing is about to be birthed (and HA! but do I ever know what birth and transition, which feels like death-but-is-really-the-harbinger-of-life, feels like!) ... but what is it with this procrastination-thingy that has overcome my life ... I have all these dreams and longings and desires and want-to-do's and they scare the crap out of me, because something deep-and-ancient in me warns, "you'd better get it RIGHT or ELSE there will be punishment!" (or maybe that I did screw up so badly, that I deserve to BE punished, and AM now being punished!) ... and so here come those fears that hit me feel like they're saying "RUN from the dragon or the tidal wave or the saber-toothed tiger!!!" and I look around and I don't see those things looming-with-impending doom (just some dishes to be washed, and the perpetual laundry that needs to be folded and HOW does one single woman manage to MAKE that much dirty laundry, anyway?!?), and of course part of me KNOWS that dragons don't exist (ok, so we could debate that), and tidal waves can't reach this far inland, and saber-toothed tigers are definitely extinct, but the FEAR-unto-paralysis slams me hard, and renders me ... well, paralyzed ... and then I get all self-recriminating, back to "WHAT is WRONG with you?!?" ... which isn't the best means of feeling self-compassionate, and sure has hell doesn't make me feel like moving in a strong and healthy direction ... oh SHEESH but I need to snap OUT of this (I am disgusting myself with my ineptness and whining!), and start making a life (ok, honestly I do manage to pull it together, and show up and do stuff, even really tough stuff, despite all this ... and maybe that's what everyone else is doing too, only they're not saying it because ... well, maybe they FOUND their dimmer-switches!) ... other people do it ... bird do it, bees do it, 18 year old's do it ... so why can't/aren't I doing it... but maybe I see/think/feel/ruminate too much ... and I really need to meditate (ha - or mediCate!), only THESE are the thoughts that come up EVERY time I try ALL the various ways (so far) to meditate, and I drive myself NUTS, so I end up going to the gym and tearing up the treadmill (which reminds me, I set a new personal record in running way-fast for way-too-long today, only no one was there to see me or brag to) ... or else I blog a lot, or sit and stare at Facebook like it's a Great and Nebulous Oracle that Shall Soonly Dispense Uberly-Profound Life-Direction Unto Moi ... and you'd think that after several years of doing that, it woulda happened by now, and yet hasn't, so maybe I can wake up and read the LACK of a message ... so maybe it's time to get real and face my reality, and get "a job" and stop waiting for that dream-fulfillment of (what?!?) ... writing and acting, and painting, and speaking and inspiring others to live fully (HOW ironic ... as if *I* am living FULLY?!?) ... that's a rather sobering and depressive thought ... I keep thinking I just need to SEE what I'm blind to ... need to have yet-more lies replaced with truth ... and then I'll be free from this rut ... when will I decide that *I* am here to live *my* life (which includes, and doesn't exclude anyone I love, or those who even mildly interest me ... and I DO tend to just love humans-in-general, even the ones who irk me) ... but when will I be free of this conditioning, and WHAT holds it in place, and HOW old will I finally be when I finally start to be me, really me, just me ...?
Or ... is it that I am already-me, and everything's fine, and I'm ON my soul's-journey-path, and all is well and getting weller, and it's just a game, and I'm learning to play, and I'm being-undone, and re-done, and therefore it's new and unsettling ...?
Maybe it's true that when things seem to be falling apart, they are really falling together, perhaps for the first time ...?
So, maybe I should just breeeeeeeeeathe, and relax, and trust ... and keep looking for that damn dimmer-switch ...?
Maybe ...

7 comments:

Dena said...

I *told* you it's scary in there.

mike m said...

Awesome.I imagined you speaking it with pauses only for really loud inhalations. This should really be a YouTube video. Love the way you wrap it up.

Brooke Wright said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please never find that dimmer switch.

Anonymous said...

Yep...Im in LOVE!!

Michael Landis said...

Pure awesome! Next stop: Screaming your bloody head off. :D

Harry said...

That was probably the very best thing you could have done, Dena. Do it often, whenever necessary. You don't need a dimmer switch, but just an acceptance that you're the universe on overdrive, and that there is simply nothing wrong with you whatsoever. We are all the universe 'making it up as it goes along' anyway.

Robin Wengert said...

I tend to agree with Harry... no dimmer needed...