I am feeling an opening in my being
Feeling an opening between my head and my heart,
My father and mother,
My mind and my body,
My male and female,
My scientist and my artist,
One the feature writer, the other the poet,
One the responsible eldest father, taking after her father...
The other the playful explorer, adventure, mystic.
Yes ... this speaks to me.
I'm on the brink of something ... having been catapulted out of one thing, transported through another thing ... and released, on the verge of the unknown.
Oh - and someone forgot to give me the map.
And yet ... I sense an inner-compass ... which I'm trusting becomes more clear.
I'm sensing an inner-shifting in me ... a sort of healing ... an integrating, perchance a (dare I say it?) balancing. I'm a woman in search of ... how to describe this ... a purpose ... a lifting of the fog to reveal my life's work. On one hand, it's been happenING ... on the other hand, there's more to be birthed. The Greeks had a word for this ... one's "daemon." In Greek mythology, this meant "a god within". The inner divinity ... the guiding spirit, also called the "genius" of a person ... that which knows. It's also synonymous with one's "destiny." Or ... one's higher Self ... that which *knows* it is one with God (everything/everyone is ... but ignorance prevails).
I haven't found my daemon, the work I deeply want to do. Sometimes I think my real problem is that I just don't believe I could ever get really good at something, that I have an inflated idea of how good others are, and that maybe by the time I'm fifty that will have been cut down by experience to match reality and I'll then know I could be good enough.
Wellllll ... I turn 49 in about three weeks, so I have just over a year to receive this Jubilee Year Enlightenment ...!
I need to learn how to read the depths of my being, find my own guidance and daemon. I don't want to live without some kind of faith in a higher purpose. I don't want my own bitterness [over her own experience and suffering] erode my sense of the sacred and the meaningful in life, but use it instead to deepen the need for those explorations and understandings... To continue on that path I need to find ways to get in better touch with my deep psyche, the inner principle of ongoing personal growth. That is as close as I can get to God within me, learning to understand and follow that is the same as hearing and obeying God's will. Going within and getting in touch with the deepest, most true part of oneself ... getting to know it, nourish it, let it grow more mature ... invest it with power (recognizing it as the inner God) ... and developing the will to follow that inner direction ... the ability to test its truth and the faith and courage to follow it even when it contradicts the rational mind of our consensus reality ...
So that's my task now.
On the whole, this experience has felt like an invitation to live more fully, less tentatively.
I couldn't have written that better myself ...!
Ken adds his perspective:
In addition to learning how to take control and assume responsibility [for one's own life], a person also needs to learn when and how to let go, to surrender, to go with the flow and not resist or fight it. Letting go versus taking control -- this is, of course just another version of being versus doing, that primordial polarity of yin and yang that assumes a thousand different forms and is never exhausted. It is not that yin or yang is right, that being is better than doing -- it's a question of finding the right balance, finding the natural harmony between yin and yang, that ancient Chinese called the Tao. Finding that balance -- between doing and being, controlling and allowing, resisting and opening, fighting and surrendering, willing and accepting -- finding that balance became the central issue...
Wondering ... would I recognize balance if it rose up (as I swing from one extreme to the other) and smacked me in the face ...?!? :)
Something tells me that I'm smack-dab in the middle of learning what it means to be balanced ... but in my own, Dena-oriented way ...
Shalom & Namaste ~