Fear and Courage ...

Note to self:

"It's been proven that the only effective way to deal with fear is to walk through it, through the pain that accompanies doing something you're afraid to do. It takes courage to fulfill your commitments, courage to stay on track, courage to follow your dreams, courage to reach your goals, and courage to walk through your fear. Remember, reaching goals is not so much about doing big things when the feeling hits you; it's more about doing little things every day that move you toward your dream. It's about staying steady and on course."
~Francine Ward

This speaks to me -- to where I find myself in my life.

In many ways, I'm like a twenty-something ... trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and what my life is to look like. I find myself on the brink of rethinking everything ... remodeling my future, after my life-plans were suddenly upended.

I've moved 25 times in my life ... have been all over the planet ... have experienced various cultures ... and yet, I've never lived alone ... never been independent, never known autonomy.

I've always been taken care of ... always given away my power ... always lived a dependent life. So, have I ever really *lived*...?

I'm in the thick of awaiting clarity ... trusting that it will come ... that I will *KNOW* what's next for me ... and that I will have the courage to do it.

Fear lurks about, taunting me with a never-ending plethora of "what if's" ... whispering that I don't have what it takes to live without known-security ... tormenting me with threats of dire consequences if I make the "wrong choice" ... (apparently no one has yet informed Fear that I no longer believe in "right" and "wrong").

And I'm reminded of a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love":

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

I trust that I'll know what's truly thinkable, and even possible ... and even necessary.

But for now, until I can think straight, until I have the strength, until I have clarity -- it's time to heal. And so I pursue that whole-heartedly, with all that I am.

Shalom, Dena