Saturday, September 25, 2010

There She Goes Again - Getting All Transparent ...!

Disconcertingly, and to my great amazement, and even amusement, I have become, seemingly, a very emotional woman.

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, much less controlling the evolution, I morphed from Queen Anal-Izer (formerly Princess Ice-ness), into Woe-and-Wonder-Emoting-Woman.

Seriously. I cannot get through the day lately, without gushing into tears-of-joy, or tears-of-pain - with little to no warning. Troublesome, that. I'm thinking that eschewing mascara would be an obligatory response ... or to just start telling folks that yes, indeedy, I am an extra for the local "Thriller" dance troupe, and must remain, continuously, in eye-blackened stage make-up.

I just finished reading "Eat, Pray, Love" ... a book I so thoroughly enjoyed (and which was SO uberly timely), that I didn't want it to end ... I read the last paragraph one sentence at a time ... getting up to play the piano, or to pee, or to go outside and pace a bit ... just to streeeeeetch it out. But, alas, I did finally read that last sentence, and put it aside with a heavy sigh ... only to look up and see the book that awaited me next: Ken Wilbur's autobiographical "Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilbur" -- Treya was his wife, and his long-awaited soulmate ... who was diagnosed with cancer only months after they met (and days after they married) ... and who died a few painfully transformative years later. Yeah, I'll be sharing from this book ... as this is my blog, and right now I'm using my blog to explore my own life ... (vague apologies to those of you who come here for either entertainment or enlightenment ...!).

Which, of course, this book is all about (the exploration and enlightenment of a life - not so much the entertainment - though Ken Wilbur has been known to crack a joke or three).

Funny how we find what we need in life (notice that I didn't say "want"), just when we need it. I had no clue where I would be now ... when I heard about this book, six weeks ago ... and then hunted it down ... and found it ... in the used book section of Amazon ... only to have it arrive yesterday ... as it took the slow boat from ... Ohio.

I cannot recount the number of times I've been reading these soul-impacting books, reading along (often just for the purpose of desperate distraction) ... only to have a particular passage so strike the depths of my heart with a resonancy that fills me to overflowing -- so that I cry out in recognition of what my soul knows ... but had never before expressed ... body-tingling, tears-gushing, heart-soaring, recognition -- every fiber of my Being responding (even outloud), "yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!"

Ohhhh, the bittersweet joy of having been heard and acknowledged! To know that I am not alone in what I've undergone in my life ... to know that others have not only experienced the same things, but have put them forth in words that ring articulately true ... I cannot tell you the sense of belongingness that this brings me!

I have felt quite, as in very, as in downright agonizingly, UNbelonging-anywhere-or-with-anyone lately. And, I'm beginning to get the distinct impression that this is intentional, and even orchestrated ... and absolutely necessary ... at this stage of my life-journey. It seems quite clear to me that I must, at all cost, discover who I am, and why I am here ...

For most, if not all, of my life, I have felt like the perennial outsider .. an alien being ... one who never quite fit in ... a social misfit ... an emotional aberrant, one who thinks-too-much, questions-too-much, feels-too-much (all of which was nearly systematically shut down in order to survive) ... is just too-much, period. It doesn't take much for the feeling of being "other-than" to turn into "there's something wrong with me, and so I will either dazzle you with my conformity, or else shock the snot out of you with my rabid rebellion."

Because, heaven forbid, I should be "different."

Different means, "not in agreement with" ... "outside the camp" ... "potentially dangerous."

All my life, I've been the recipient of one form or another of the following request (demand): "please get in line." And, I have nearly died, both literally, and metaphorically, from trying to do so.

So ... when I find evidence of other life-refugees, I feel a tremendous sense of relief, a joyous recognition, almost a home-coming ... "ahhhh, someone else from my tribe!"

I can count, but only on one hand (& perhaps only on a couple-three fingers), the number of real-life humans, with whom I've felt that rare and powerful sense of connection ...

And I have been finding that in the books I've been reading lately ... solace at this time of loss of one of those rare connections ... for these books speak of great loss, of the soul-shattering sort ... and of transcending that shattering ... not by circumventing fear and confusion, but by plowing straight through it ... even if that plowing looks more like one hesitating and trembling baby step at a time ...

Here are some passages that spoke to me ...

"I am immeasurably more, and immeasurably less, because of her presence. Immeasurably more, for having known her; immeasurably less, for having lost her. But then, perhaps every event in life is like that: filling you up and emptying you out, all at the same time. It's just that, it is oh-so rare that such a one is with us, and thus the joy, and the pain, are all so intensely amplified."

"The single most astonishing thing about her -- is that she had almost no split between her public and her private selves. She harbored no 'secret' thoughts that she was afraid or ashamed to share with the world. If you asked, she would tell you exactly what she thought -- about you or anybody else."

"She could be obstinate; strong people often are."

"When we first met, we had the strangest feeling that we had been looking for each other for lifetimes ..."

"Virtually every one of the great pioneers of modern physics ... were spiritual mystics of one sort or another ... The essence of mysticism is that in the deepest part of your own being, in the very center of your own pure awareness, you are fundamentally one with Spirit, one with Godhead, one with the All, in a timeless and eternal and unchanging fashion."

"My connection with her [Treya] continued to deepen, if that were possible. We were way, way, way 'beyond physics'! Love is a time-honored way to transcend the separate-self sense and leap into the sublime; Treya and I held hands, closed our eyes, and jumped!"

[From Treya, shortly after her cancer diagnosis] "Why me?" was a question that soon lost its punch. "What now?" replaced it.

[From Treya's journal] "I wanted -- and needed -- for this experience to have some meaning and purpose. The only way that could happen with any certainty was for me to act 'as if' it did, to imbue it with meaning through my own thoughts and actions."

Enough for now -- I'll share more as I read more ...

Shalom & Namaste ~


marianne said...

Dena, I just began reading "Living Your Soul's Purpose" Which you recommended (seems like) long ago. I am eager to get into it more because it seems really are so far ahead of me with reading. Hang in there with the "un-belonging" feeling. My 8 years in Japan were a similar kind of wilderness time for me, but a time of much growing. Funny how we come in and go out of this world alone, but are at the same time, truly one with God, the universe and each other...difficult to sometimes grasp that dichotomy.

Dena said...

pHi Marianne! I'm also reading that book -- I've met with Mary twice now -- amazing woman (you would adore her, and she you)! I feel like a sponge ... so much to absorb! So much of my life is just about to begin.

This lack of belongingness is quite unsettling ... thanks for the encouragement. It hits hard at times. Off to read more of Mary's book ... and to do some of those energy healing exercises. It's nice to have tools in the toolbox, no?