Wednesday, September 22, 2010

An Ode to Gooey-ness - a Revelation of Transformation

Oh my GOODness...! I have so, so, so, SO much that I want to share, and all at once!


Ok, I'll have to just dive in, and let it sort itself out (and it won't all fit in one post) ... it all fits my life, and it's all amazing, and it's all so very uberly-confirming of where I am, and what's unfolding, and how I'm being led!

LOVE it!

First ... dunno what, dunno how, but something has begun to shift in me in the past 36~ish hours ... there-bouts. Maybe it's because I have succumbed to reading novels -- ok, not quite novels, more like memoirs. Specifically "Pray, Eat, Love" ... which, really (& even as over a dozen complete strangers have told me in recent months), is just a rehashing of my life, 'cept she didn't have eight children (she didn't have *any* children -- maybe I had some of hers?), and she's blonde, and now has a best-selling book ... but still it's my life, in the same kamikaze (& did you know that word means "divine wind"?), unconventionally irreverent, and oh-so-dramatically-obscure rendering of the very thoughts that are in MY own head, not to mention the events that have comprised my own life (minus the trips to Italy/India/Indonesia)..!

It's all I can do to resist the temptation to spend the next umpteen weeks blogging nothing BUT quotes from this amazing book. But, I shan't do that. Besides, I already did that, on my Facebook page, after just seeing the movie (which pales in comparison to the book, but which will do in a pinch, if'n you're not inclined to actually read the book for yourself).

Anyway ... I first noticed that I was not utterly despairing of the fact that I had actually woken up in the morning. And that I didn't continuously hit that snooze button on my alarm, so that I ended up sleeping the better half of the day away. And that I was feeling hungry ... for food ... and (dare I say it without jinxing it?) ... hungry for life. Specifically my life, as opposed to someone ELSE's life -- preferably someone who was not also experiencing the drama-trauma of heartbreak. AND hair loss. Nothing quite as depressing as being abandoned AND bald. Ok, maybe being abandoned, bald and decapitated -- yeah, that would be mildly more depressing (though it would solve the hair-loss problem, and, come to think of it, the depression problem, too).

And then I noticed that I was actually putting away three weeks' worth of folded laundry. Into drawers. Where they belonged. And I noticed that I felt better for having done so.

And then I noticed that I wanted to floss -- always a good sign of emerging self-esteem.

And then I noticed that I noticed the roses ... even smelled 'em. And these are heirloom, 100-year-old rose bushes ... so that the roses actually have a scent. Not like those modern, uber-beautiful roses that beckon you to come closer, tempting you to plunge your nose into the luxurious and decadently-seductive folds ... only to smell ... nuthin'. Makes me want to decapitate THEM.

So, I noticed these things ... and I noticed that I was crying less, and my sighs weren't quite so deep ... and I was breathing more easily ... and I was walking faster, even holding my head up ... and I noticed that I look good (damn good, really) when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror ... and I noticed that I actually feel some eagerness ... dare I say, even excitement ... about my life, about what's happening ... and I'm coming to understand what's happened ... what's happenING, and why. And it's even pretty cool, really, in that cosmic/karmic, universally-transformative kinda way... And I notice that I no longer feel so desperately UNsafe, no longer quite believing that the universe-at-large has conspired to utterly DUPE me, and is now laughing at me behind my back, as if I'd fallen for some practical joke, at the expense of my soul.

I notice that I actually believe that there is a larger/grander purpose for all that's occurred ... that it matters, that it has profound meaning, and that I'm not, contrary to a cacophonous chorus of opinionators, "obsessed," "addicted," or "insane." :)

And y'know what? I am an amazing woman. I really am. I mean, I like me. I have a lot to offer ... to myself, to others. To the world at large. I have a purpose ... a destiny, even. And it's not been thwarted ... it's only been enlarged and enhanced and exPANded, by all that I've experienced.

And I ain't done yet.

Not by a LONG shot.

In fact, I've only just gotten started ...!

I know that I will not only be OK ... I will shine.

By golly, I think I'm sparkling, even now...

Now ... I may well dissolve into a puddle of tears within an hour. But that's ok ... I've loved deeply, and I'm still grieving ... but I'm no longer hosting daily dirge-fests with the likes of Despair, Despondency, and Depression. I served those dudes their eviction notices, and they packed up their bags, and slunk away. If they show up at your house, tell 'em you don't entertain proselytizers, MLM-sales-reps, or usurpers.

I'm a woman in the very thick of an astonishing transformation. I am, actually, the very goo in the midst of the chrysalis. Yup. I am. En route to breaking out of my confinement, emerging as the butterfly I'm meant to be.

Tomorrow, I'll share a bit of what I received in an amazing consultation with a guy who specializes in transformations wrought by intense relational connections.

Perhaps only for my own sake ... perhaps for more than that.

For now, I think I shall sparkle my way through the unloading of the dishwasher ..!

Shalom & Namaste ~

P.S. My girls are watching "Princess Diary II" ... and this song just came on ... I don't believe in coincidences ... take in the lyrics, but for me, metaphorically ... pertaining breaking away from my old perceptions, into the new:


Anonymous said...

I want to say "Welcome back, Dena" but you never went away so it's not quite the right words. but you get my meaning? So good to hear the shifts and the transformation.

Elizabeth Gilbert's book is amazing - I found myself going into it like I did with fairy-tales as a kid. It may be uber similar to both our lives but it is not OUR story! don't let anything get in the way of your unique story unfolding - it will have greater surprises than anyone can imagine. xx

MysticBrit said...

OK, Dena, you rock! I agree with Bea, though. No-one's story is the same as another's, and yours will have its own unique 'Dena' flavour. Watch out World, here she comes!

Dena said...

Yes ... I want to live out my OWN story. Which, of course, is happening.

I woke up to find Despair sitting on the edge of my bed, leaning over me, whispering in melancholy tones, "Have you noticed that the joy is gone?"

Sigh ... so I suppose this unwanted visitor will continue to hang around a while ... which shouldn't surprise me.

See, I'm learning (or remembering) that we humans have a penchant for shoving down and repressing the negative things (including trauma), and then declaring them "gone". In reality, it all remains submerged, but active ... and then leaks out into our relationships and circumstances ... even clouding our vision with an altered perspective.

That's just denial.

In reality, everything is energy, and when we harbor negative energy (pain/trauma/fear), it doesn't go away ... time doesn't "heal" all wounds ... it just enables us to repress with more determination. It just distracts us.

I'm determined to go the distance ... all the way into the very depths of the Core of who I Am ... and question those unquestioned beliefs, and replace those oh-so-familiar lies with truth, and let go of what no longer serves me -- no matter how comfortable those dysfunctional aspects of my early childhood seem to me...!

I will be free, I will be whole, I will be ME.


Now, to walk it out.