Monday, September 13, 2010

Two and a half months later ...

There is absolutely NO way that I could adequately describe what has transpired since this last blog post ... I would have to display my heart wide-open, to share the intense joy (unlike I've ever known), and the following devastating despair (unlike I've ever known), that I've recently experienced.

I've lost much ... so very much. Including a friendship I thought I could *never* lose. I'm still reeling from from what feels like the unthinkable ... the unfathomable.

Soul shock would be an apt way to describe it.

And I stand on the brink of discovering what's next for my life.

After many days of waking up, wishing I hadn't ... and somehow managing to struggle through the motions of each day ... I've decided that I can no longer live this way. Intolerable pain is just ... well, intolerable.

Problem was, nothing that I tried was working to alleviate the pain ... not sleeping, not walking, not reading, not singing, not talking, not meditating, not painting, not therapizing, not distracting, not sobbing, not numbing-out, not EFTing, not Abe-ing ...

SooooOOOooooo, I went and did it. I plunged into a Reiki I course, this past weekend ... and I am now a Reiki I practitioner... able to do Reiki healing on plants, animals, and family/friends - and self. When I'm done with Reiki II (not sure when that will be - there are a couple of future options for me), I'll be able to actually do this "professionally." Incredible.

Actually, the entire weekend was incredible ... I had two Reiki classes to choose from, both held at the same time ... I went with my intuition, and chose one (this master was trained by the other teacher). AS it turns out, I was the *ONLY* student. All the other participants dropped out, for various and assorted reasons, on the day of the class ... giving me the rare opportunity to have a one-on-one Reiki training. WOW...! The things I learned ...

I LOVE how it fits with everything else I've been learning, about energy healing, for the past several months. Turns out I'm only 7 degrees away from Dr. Usui, the founder of Reiki. You can learn more about Reiki here.

The master says I "have promise" ... a good touch, good energy, that I'm an open conduit, and that I have obvious compassion ... and she was well aware of my voracious hunger to reach out to others who are hurting, in various ways. This IS my passion -- my dream -- it always has been.

I'm going to be checking out the possibility of being mentored/apprenticed by a woman who has written an amazing book on several energy healing modalities ... so that I get to experience, and be trained in, as many as I'd like ...! SO excited! She's internationally know, but lives right here in Salem, Oregon -- who knew?!? I have an initial appointment with her -- to explore the possibilities. Take a look at her book.

Because I was the only student, I had the unprecedented opportunity to receive a good deal of healing, for myself ... in fact, the master sensed my heavy grieving when we began (though I was silent), and she invited me to share my story ... something I was in sore need of doing (my grieving is seen as "illegitimate/invalidated" by many around me). Her insights were invaluable ... and I was infused with an uncanny sense of hope. My story isn't done, not by a long shot ... and I know I can indeed trust my heart ... and, I know that what I've experienced is beyond-priceless ... I wouldn't trade it for anything. I regret nothing. I treasure every moment. How could I regret the joy I've known ... and even the pain, which only expands my capacity for love...?

I feel as if I'm continuing on the most amazing journey ... discovering who I am, and why I'm here (& I KNOW that I am here, at this time, in this place, for a mind-blowing purpose) ... and it all coincides with what I've experienced, what I've read (currently reading, and have almost finished, "Anna, Grandmother of Jesus," which meshes beautifully with what transpired this weekend, in the Reiki training -- but of course...! ;)

I am *not* here to live a normal life ...!

I'm still grieving ... and I will honor this process for as long as it takes. I've lost something that is precious to me. But I know life goes on ... and I know that MY life is only just beginning, in so many ways ... there will be many transitions in whatever lies ahead ... challenges to face, healing to walk out, fears to be faced and stared down. Latent strengths to discover ... rich fulfillment to be experienced ... and yes, love, joy and passion to be fully experienced. I can no longer, not ever, settle for less.

I will soon find out what I am made of. Whether I have what it takes to live out my own convictions, to pursue my own dreams ... to lay aside convention, in order to allow, and receive, and give myself full *permission* to live the life I came here to live ...! Embracing all, and everyone, who matters ... no exclusions.

I eagerly anticipate how my life is continuing to unfold ... and I trust that Love, not fear, both guides me, and wins.

Shalom, Dena


marianne said...

It is good to hear that your are experiencing a glimmer of hope, Dena. Wishing you all the best.

Chad Estes said...


I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing. I'm delighted to hear your hope in the midst of it.

I am honored that you are my friend.


Dena said...

Thank you both, Marianne and Chad ... looks like I didn't lose *all* of my friends, huh?

The hope is an uncanny thing ... it's borne out of my inner-awareness that I am here for a reason, a purpose -- even a profound one. And that I'm not done. Not by a long-shot. In fact, I've only just begun ... to live.

I got awakened -- shaken out of the comfort of my conventional life ... and I'm being prepared for something ... dunno exactly what yet -- beyond that it will manifest in healing -- for myself, and for others.

I have much to learn ... about how I cannot receive from externals, until I first connect with internals ... and THEN, from a position of wholeness, I can share that ...

I'm eager to learn ... the pain is not from love - the pain is an invitation to be enlarged by this love ... it's the catalyst for the intense growth I need to go through.

It sure got my attention ... ready or not, here I go!

Cheryl Ensom said...

Dena, I hear a lot of this today but it's been good to catch up a little more by reading your recent posts, too.

I think there a just a couple simple things I MUST say.

One, there is NO PAIN that is illegitimate. None. Pain is very simply PAIN. Not everyone can see this when they are in judgment/polarization/tree of the knowledge of good and evil mode. I have experienced some similar responses in recent months and it is so lonely to feel that there is almost no one who can truly empathize with me in my pain. Most see my pain as "what I get" for fucking up. This is simply not the case. Dena, you must hear this: your pain matters. It is precious. It deserves to be invited up on a gentle, loving, trustworthy lap and held tightly until it feels comfort. It deserves to be acknowledged, validated and empathized with, irregardless of the why or how it came about. It is here. It is felt. NOT meeting you in your pain with loving arms does nothing but exacerbate your pain, even though there are those who would feel that turning away at the point of your pain will drive home the lesson they would have you learn. Try (I KNOW it's hard) to let those roll off your back like water off a duck. But let the comfort and love of those who unconditionally care about you go in deep, deep, deep. Let it soak in, get all over you. :)

Second, you are so bright. That is an odd word to choose. But I don't know another that fits so well as a light. Even in pain you are magnificent. Beautiful. Your spirit reaches for truth, understanding and the altering that happens when one goes through pain. I know you have dark days. I know. But your spirit is so bright. I have never met you in person but you must just light up whole rooms you walk into!

Third, that counsel to "just breathe" is so perfect. I had a friend tell me in the middle of my pain that I needed to just ask myself if I wanted to do such and such, and if I didn't, I shouldn't. It seems selfish and too simple, but it helped me move through days and weeks and months of pain into a much better place. Sometimes grief can make you feel you have no power. You are keenly aware of the way your body shuts down on you, your mind dulls, your emotions seem too much or too little but never balanced and only sleep is a comfort. Simple tasks are overwhelming. This causes a grown-up to feel like a powerless child. I think you must know the feeling I'm talking about. Just breathing and just walking one step at a time and letting yourself choose that next step will find you, before you know it, walking without thinking. I promise.

Lastly, I promise there will be a day, and it will be sooner than you fear, when you will not feel this pain. You will always feel a little corner of it, I think. Pain changes us. People change us. But the sharpness of the pain will subside. The sickening weight inside will lift. You will come out on the other side. I promise.

Sending love and hugs to you, Dena.

Dena said...


When I think back, to how we met, and the uncanny synchronicities, the timing of your pain, your journey, being played out ... and then experiencing my own journey, which has all-too-painfully mirrored yours -- well, my heart just gasps.

So very much has been orchestrated ...

THANK you for the phone call today, for hearing my heart, for understanding, empathizing, honoring me ... I can't tell you how much that meant/means to me! You put your own pain aside, to receive mine ... a priceless gift.

Few have allowed me the critical "luxury" (actually a necessity), to spill out my heart ... to share my pain, openly, uncensored. You opened your ears, arms, and heart, to enable me to do just that.

I hear you, I receive your words ... I know they come from a place of knowing precisely what I'm going through ... not just words, but profound awareness of the depth of confusing-heartbreak, of transformation ... of wondering how to go forward with life.

This article, shared by a friend, speaks of what I'm seeing at this time:

My focus, at this point in my life, is to heal ... as you stated, some days, that means getting the sleep I need, taking care of my body, staying clear of additional stress. Some days, it's all I can do to get a shower. Other days, I plunge into deep healing work ... whether the Reiki training, or energy healing work (& I do mean *work*!), or writing out of the depths of my heart.

If for no other reason, this has happened to me to take stock of my life ... and to discover who I am, and why I'm here ... and to go all out for wholeness.

I'm open to experiencing deep love again, and joy ... and yeah, to being that person who can light up a room.

I miss her.