Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Accepting 100% Responsibility

Once you discover your role in a particular problem, you can turn your situation around.

When you can't see your role in the problem, or when you blame someone else or some circumstance for your situation, you put yourself "at the effect." You lose your power and you stay stuck.

I grew up hearing that relationships were 50/50 propositions ... that each one was 50% responsible for the relationship.

I don't believe that anymore ... for that creates a victim status ... if I need you to do your 50% share, and you don't ... then I'm suck with a mediocre relationship. I see that relationships are 100/100 .. EACH person is 100% responsible for either the presence of love, or the absence of love.

Whenever I blame YOU, I give you all my power. If I believe that you have 100% responsibility, I'm putting myself at 0% responsibility, and therefore I have no power.

In order to get my power back, I need to stop blaming, and find MY role in the problem at hand.

Here's how Bill Ferguson puts it:
If you are in a cycle of conflict, notice that you have been fighting the truth of the way that person is. Notice that you did not make sure that the other person felt loved, accepted and appreciated. Notice that you have been judgmental, critical and perhaps controlling, or hanging on.

Notice that the other person got hurt, put up his or her walls of protection, and gave it right back to you. Then you got more upset and became more critical of the other person. Then the other person got more upset at you.

And so goes the cycle of conflict...

When we blame another ... we take the focus off of ourselves ...

Why? because I don't WANT to see that I am the problem ... I don't WANT to see that I believe that I'm worthless, not worth loving, a failure, or whatever core issue that I'm hiding from myself and others.

Now ... it's not true that I'm that way ... such core issues are false. It's just a suppressed hurt that FEELS true ... it's a hurt that I will do ANYthing to avoid facing and feeling ... even if I have to lash out at you, and blame you. I will even sabotage a precious relationship, if it means I get to protect myself from feeling pain ...

Life only works, and relationships only work, when I take responsibility for myself, and for the results. If I have an area of my life that's not working -- then *I* have to do something with it.

I am either resisting the truth about my situation, or else I'm resisting how my situation *may* become ... and when I resist, when I am unwilling, I create a state of fear, upset, and tunnel vision that takes away my power, makes the problem bigger, and keeps me from seeing and implementing solutions ...

ANY are of your life that isn't working is an area where you are resisting. Let go of the resisting, and this area of life will start clearing up.

Next: We Fight the Truth

Shalom & Namaste~


MysticBrit said...

You're grappling with some big stuff here, Dena, and I know you'll win in the end. Rooting for you:)

Dena said...

:) Well, Harry, it's not as if this is all just personally-applicable ... I see it as rather universal in scope ... not "all about me"...

MysticBrit said...

Totally, Dena:) I find there's one thing we can guarantee - those things we think are the most personal are in fact universal. And vice versa:)