The soul's knock in the night can take many forms. You may experience it as a deep sense of longing. Not the kind of longing that leads to the mall or the refrigerator but the kind that moves downward, to a soft ache in the heart. It's the kind of longing that leads you to ask, "Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I am supposed to be doing, feeling, giving, getting?" This kind of longing can feel threatening. And so you silence its rumblings over and over until it demands to be heard -- until it morphs into something else: a crisis or an illness or an addiction or some other Strange Angel.
She's got my number.
I've heard that knocking all my life. I've asked those questions all my life. I silenced them with blind obedience ... trying harder ... then rebelling ... trying to re-create myself ... meeting society's expectations ...
And OH yes, it has demanded to be heard! Via addiction ... via crises ... via unthinkable events.
The knock at the door can come as a disquieting dream or as a secret plan that you pray you'll never enact: leaving a job or a marriage, finally telling your mother off, revealing a hidden truth to the world. Are these bad ideas, or are they Sleeping Giants and Strange Angels? Perhaps it is best to leave these kinds of questions unanswered ...
But the soul wants you to go beneath. It leads downward. It says, "Don't ignore the signs. Follow your longing down. Go beneath the surface of your troubled mind, your bad moods, your repetitive mistakes. Go beneath the surface questions to even deeper questions." The soul asks questions like these: "What is that weight that holds you back? What inside of you is saying no!? Are you willing to look at yourself? To take responsibility for your own life? Are you willing to let something die, in order for something new to arise? What must die? What wants to live? The soul tells you to root around in the dark stuff for the deeper questions, and to let those questions lead you from the darkness to the light.
I read these words, and I am overcome with a heady combination of both trembling excitement and paralyzing fear ...! Between the gravitational pull of the fear, and the heart-bursting desire to soar, I am stuck. And so ... I continue to await clarity. Not as in "what will I decide to do?" ... but "what will be revealed as my soul's purpose." This isn't about making a decision, so much as seeing what IS.
When you feel chronically confused, or stuck, or enraged, or afraid, you can be sure that the Sleeping Giants are rumbling under the surface of your life. They want to awaken. Soon they'll be knocking at the door. You are welcome to turn them away. You can spend a lifetime turning them away and going back to sleep. Or you can open the door and admit them. The Sleeping Giants and Strange Angels may bring with them risky advice. If you listen, your life may change; you will certainly change. If you turn a deaf ear, you'll stay the same. It's up to you.
So - how 'bout if the Sleeping Giants already banged the door down, disallowing for the option to go back to sleep, and lured me out of bed with their risky advice ... what if I did listen, and did heed, and did go ... what if my life did indeed change, and what if I did change (as in forever-altered) ... and what if, due to the choices of others, I ended up back in that same "bed" ... with a reeling mind, and a broken heart, and utter confusion about what my options now actually *are* ...?
Y'know, just saying, "what if"... :)
All I know to do, is to witness the reeling of the mind ... to allow the broken-open heart to prepare me for another level of love ... and to trust that as I find Me, clarity will become ... well, clear.
Witness ... allow ... trust.
Yes, that fits.
Shalom & Namaste ~